On the 4th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

AMBIEN!

Sleep has been and continues to be key in keeping me healthy and sane - ish.

You know how it feels when you haven't had a good night's sleep...or worse have suffered a string of sleepless nights. Lack of sleep even attacks the very young.

It's no secret that as we age, our sleep patterns change or are more easily disrupted. We wake up in the middle of the night more easily. Whether it's because of increased trips to the bathroom, an unruly animal (man or beast), temperature, etc - it's tough to find that nadir of the perfect sleep. The sleep of babies...Damn babies...it's wasted on babies!

I am thankfully one of those perfect candidates for Ambien. I haven't suffered any of the widely publicized side effects - with the exception of one very vivid Bugs Bunny hallucination at the very beginning of my usage. I've never eaten, driven...or had "crazy Ambien sex" while under the influence. Granted, I only take 1/2 pill every night. On weekends, I'll take a whole one or 1/2 and then another 1/2 when I wake up, so that I can sleep in.


I had a friend who was up to 6 - 10 per night and he did do some wacky Ambien driving. Crashed his car into the neighbors car and fled the scene...into his house, where the police found him..asleep. He once went to an NA meeting while "asleep" and knew nothing about it until he ran into one of the other attendees who commented on how much "sharing" he had done at the meeting.

But were it not for Ambien, I'd look and feel like Beowolf's mother...and I don't mean the Angelina version.

On the 3rd Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

District 9

A movie, put out with very little expectation that delivered on every level you'd want a movie to deliver on. While it does carry the Peter Jackson name (as producer), there are no stars in it and most of us had never heard of the director. For me, it was a happy accident that I saw it at all. We had planned to see Julie & Julia but it was sold out. District 9 was starting, so we went in.

I was so moved by the story itself and then by how well the movie was made.


How it made us care for the 'Prawns' - so alien and ugly looking. How Sharlto Copley played the character of Wikes Van De Merwe like a Stradivarius. Just remembering it now illicits another WOW.

After the movie, I paid attention to what everyone around us was talking about. More often than not these days, people have already forgotten about the movie even before they hit the lobby. But everyone was still discussing the story and what they thought would happen next. We were all invested in the future of Wikes and the Prawns! This experience fed my soul (seriously) and gave me the strength to want to hope for my own future as a filmmaker again.

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

ELIZABETH WARREN

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Elizabeth Warren Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Knowing she's out there watching out for "us" makes me feel better, as it did Jon Stewart when she guested on his show. She explains things in such a way that makes it easier for someone like me to wrap my head around them. There's something calming and assertive without being aggressive like Susie Ormon can be. I know she's smart and gives good advice but she scares me! Elizabeth Warren's is the voice I turn to to calm the angst when it starts to spin out of control. Ahhhhhh. Elizabeth Warren is watching over us.

On the 1st Day of Christmas...

The Universe gave to me...

SURPRISED KITTY!



Posted on October 13th with over 11 millions hits, this adorable kitten has obviously had quite an impact on the universe. It's been forwarded the world over. And nobody complains!

If you're trying to just piece moments of goodness together, this is 17 seconds of goodness.

Get Ready for the 12 Days of Christmas

I'm doing this mostly for my benefit and I hope my eight followers get some joy out of it as well. Beginning tomorrow, December 14th, I'm going to do a countdown for the 12 Days of Christmas!

The idea came to me while I was feeling sorry for myself and I tried to do a little mental laundry list of "what I have to be grateful for." I started out to make a semi snarky, "humorous" type of list but then I realized that if I really was doing this for me, why not earnestly look back and try to pin point the 12 things that really helped me get through this absolutely shitty year. If you've read this blog at all, you'll know I've had an existential crisis of epic proportions.

So, enjoy the next 12 Days of Christmas...my gift from me to...me. And you.




Meow.

No Wings 4 U!

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show hit it's tipping point a few years ago and became HUGE. Remember when it was only available to view on the internet and the overload of viewers caused the site and much of the internet to crash? The last few years it's been a "must see" TV event...Fun for the whole family! 2009's show aired last week and will air an encore viewing this Thursday. If you didn't catch it, don't bother. I gathered with friends on Saturday to watch. We had drinks, we had food, we had anticipation. Here's what we didn't have...

ADRIANNA LIMA, who is or was pregnant with her first child. Nobody sexes up the catwalk like Adrianna. Most of the other star supermodels made an appearance but they were interspersed with a bunch of Sunday insert quality models, who I've never seen in the Victoria's Secret catalog before. It was kind of like standing in line to see the "Glee" kids and finding only the extras appearing. Heidi did a "surprise" walk which was fun even though they had her covered up in a bit too much tulle. Still 20 lbs above her fighting weight - after just giving birth 5 weeks ago, she looked great despite the vomit-plosion of tulle.

Also lacking was the wow factor of fantasy angel costumes. Because, this is not really a "fashion" show. It's a SHOW. In the past, their winged flights of fancy was my favorite part. There were maybe 2 or 3 outfits at the most that made me go "oooooh" this year.

Don't even get me started about the lame "New Angel" competition! Don't we get enough of that on reality TV already? The Angels are supposed to be fully formed deities who fall from heaven to model underwear! Not corn fed wanna bes from Kansas or wherever the hell they bus them in from. It was beyond distracting to watch those segments because none of us cared about these aspiring models. If I wanted to care, I'd start watching America's Next Top Model again. I want supermodels who's purview is the catwalk. Who stomp like Valkyries. Who look like they could fly off on those wings! Come on!

The musical performances also fell flat... Fergie in a teal corset gown looked out of her element. Her true style is edgy! Keep it real...and, is it just me or does it seem weird to have a woman singing as the models walk? Last year, with Usher, worked and his interaction with the models was organic and seemed fun. The Peas and the models didn't really connect. They were kind of dancing "at each other" rather than with each other.

And there was no "show stopping" moment like this...

The thrill of watching Seal sing "Amazing" as his wife walked out in this eyepopping snowflake get up, caused collective "oooh-ing" and "ahhhhh-ing" from audience as well as from us at home. It was a perfectly produced show and they haven't topped it since.

I actually might not watch in 2010. Which means an angel won't get her wings.

Damned if you Suck, Damned if you Don't

It's funny what motivates me to pontificate.

I personally didn't have an opinion of Tiger Woods - one way or the other before his Thanksgiving drama - I still don't, really. But, I do have some feelings about the 'alleged' situation. Cheating in a relationship is destructive to all concerned. I've been the cheatee as well as the cheater. I've been 'The Wife' and I've been 'The Skank.

At 20, I was married to my gangster. He was 14 years older than me and famously once told me that he was "too much man for one woman." Only a 20 year old would take that as a challenge. I was young. I was hot. I turned myself into a pretzel (literally and figuratively) to be a Penthouse fantasy come to life. All of his friends and associates were jealous and he still cheated on me. I can't speak for every other woman who's been cheated on but it fucked with my head in an insidious way. My brain couldn't process it. Because, I was giving him everything he could possibly want or need. I never turned him down for sex. Ever. And what's worse, the women he cheated with were not attractive (ie: fugly). Nobody tells women that the cheating isn't a reflection on us. How many jokes have you heard about this? Remember Chris Rock's hilarious riff on the Lewinsky affair?

"See, this whole Monica Lewinsky scandal is Hillary's fault...'Cause, ladies, you know your man...You know what kind of man you got...You know if you got the crazy, 'need-a-blowjob-all-the-time man'... So Hillary Clinton put us all in danger...She put the security of the free world in jeopardy...That's right, she's the First Lady...She's supposed to be the first one on her knees to suck his dick!...Monica Lewinsky shouldn't have even stood a chance...Hillary's supposed to already be down there, like 'Hey, I've got it! I got the dick. Tickle his ass or something. Yeah, grab a ball, make yourself useful'."

Intern Skank/Presidential Cheater

I have no idea how much presidential dick Hillary was sucking. None of us do. I can only speak from experience when I say that I did my dick sucking best because I did know what kind of man I had. Seriously, there wasn't a drop left when he left the house. It didn't stop him though. Men cheat. It's the rule not the exception. Finishing my Chris Rock theme, he also said "A man is basically as faithful as his options." Unfortunately, I still spent years chasing the Holy Grail called "a faithful man." I grew up with parents who, while lacking in other areas, seemed utterly devoted to each other. My dad never went out with the guys. They went everywhere and did everything together. They are still together now. So this was the template on which I based the belief that there must be other faithful men out there. Now, I sometimes wonder if my dad did ever cheat. Although I don't know when it could have happened. ..maybe that's the secret. Don't give him any options. Don't let him out of your sight...hardly practical.

Now, Tiger's wife, Elin obviously didn't know what kind of man she had. I know we don't know for sure how that accident happened but I think most of us have a pretty good idea. Beautiful, genteel blond Swedish women aren't known for busting on people with golf clubs for the hell of it . At least Tiger had the class to cover for her. Can you imagine if this was Jon & Kate? That fat fuck would be crying to TMZ about the injuries she inflicted on him right now. I'm sure Tiger 's beyond mortified that this has become public fodder. Too bad he didn't have the class to not fuck around...or at the very least not fuck around with the typical fame whores dujour. And surely he had better options! He's Tiger Woods, y'all! You'd think he'd have access to better Hos...OR professionals. Although, apparently America is so fame obsessed now that the price of a high priced hooker doesn't include discretion anymore. You have to be specific. "I want a hooker with a side of Shut the Fuck up!"

I've heard speculation that Elin knew he was fucking around. That it's an unwritten understanding with these wives. In some cases that may be true. Which brings me to my experience as 'The Skank.' And let me say up front, I don't defend my actions at all. He was married. Had 2 kids. He was one of my bosses. Jimminy Cricket, how much more wrong can you go? But I fell in love with him. Now, his wife did know he was fucking around. He was a notorious cheater. I was supposedly the first affair that worried her because he wouldn't break it off after she figured out it was me. Not long after she put the pieces together (not rocket science), she came to visit the studio and we found each other alone in a ladies room together. I was taking my earrings off in the stall figuring I was in for a fight. But, not only did she not try to kill me...she engaged me in chit-chat...I felt like beating my own ass, a la Jim Carrey in "Liar Liar"!

Hilariously mispelled Payback

Whether you're famous or not, the fall out from something like this is gonna leave a mark. If Tiger Woods was just some guy, only his family and neighbors would be privvy to the drama. When I shot my gangster (calm down - flesh wound!) he lied to the emergency room doctors and said he'd been showing me how to clean the gun when it accidentally went off. They didn't call the cops and the only consequence was our marriage. Tiger's damage is still being tallied but it's going to take more than a pricey bauble to repair Elin's psyche.

And the skanks suffer too. Even if they're gold diggers, dick riders or fame whores. At the core of it, it still involves how they value themselves. And let's face it. While riding a famous dick might have some initial cash rewards - have you heard the new 50 Cent/Ne-Yo track 'Have a Baby by Me, Be a Millionaire"? and get you some tabloid face time - in the end you're still going to be The Skank.

Skank du jour

I know it's so much fun to read the dirt, repeat the jokes, make assumptions about Elin and what she was or wasn't doing to "deserve" this. But I keep thinking about how painful it is over there right now. How, for her, the holidays will be tainted for years to come.

I also keep thinking about what an incredible dolt Tiger Woods turns out to be. One of the skanks he took a beat down for wasted no time turning over his texts and voicemails to TMZ. The other is "negotiating a payout" Did Tiger really think they'd have his back?

Again, I can only draw from personal experience. Maybe I'm not fit to be among the ranks of skanks. Because when my affair ended - after 3 years - in the dawn of the Sexual Harrassment Age - I wrote and signed a letter stating that while I was involved in a workplace affair, there was no sexual harrassment involved. There were several other women (who I knew) at the studio who cashed in on their affairs with executives for 5 and 6 figure settlements but I knew it would be a lie...In retrospect, I could have used the cash...

priceless