I See A Red Door...

I have been suffering a crisis of faith in 2009 like you wouldn't believe. I've become the 'Show Me' Bitch. It's easy to believe when things are going well. You can be zen, you can meditate, you can appreciate the simple beauty of nature and see the good in every situation...but go six months or more without income, exhaust your unemployment benefits and you too will want to see everything painted black.

I have a particularly 'faithful' friend. She's been to prison, she's been homeless, she's had cancer, but goddammit, she's STILL optimistic and grateful! A zombie could literally be snacking on her brain while she's still alive and she'd say "I'm just so grateful it didn't rape me!" She implores me to "stay positive and know that the universe has something better in store for me."

Paint it, paint it, paint it black!

With this crisis of faith come the warm, insidious whispers of the dark side. I don't know what they sound like in your head but in mine they slither "Preciousssssss..." As a writer, I suppose I should be grateful (aha!) for the insights these times have given me. I'm no stranger to darkness, mind you...but I can now completely identify with crazy white boys who go on shooting sprees. Could a little demonstration of Goodness have changed things for them?

So, to Goodness, I say 'Show Me'. If you really do triumph over Evil, a little demonstration...in good faith, of course...shouldn't be asking too much. The clock is ticking and Evil is tapping it's impatient toe...

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

Slavery is not dead in America...it's called "Audience Participation" now

Ah, it is the best of times...it is the worst of times. Actually, it's just the worst of times. Not having worked for six months now since returning from NYC, I have vowed to take whatever opportunities that come along in an effort to create "new activity" and shake up the stagnant "energy" as we say in the newspeak of the language of "the Universe". So, I took my script writing, movie producing ass to Apple One and submitted myself humbly to their tests and agreed to take whatever temp positions came my way. That was over a month ago. I also cross registered myself with every branch in a 50 mile radius only to find that most of them are fighting over the same jobs that are out there. And finally, finally after several false alarms - "We are submitting your resume, along with 10 other applicants, to the client" - for a temp job mind you! Finally, I got a bite. My rep from the Woodland Hills branch called me, breathless last Friday "Marion, I have found you a job in ENTERTAINMENT!"

Wait for it...the gig was to be a PAID audience member of a new game show. The televised version of the apparently wildly popular 20Q - a computer and internet version of 20 Questions. I'm not going to go into the details of the game. You can google or wiki it and find out all about it if you're not already in the know. The only thing that was attractive to me about it...besides the $8 hr pay...was that Cat Deeley is the host. She of "So You Think You Can Dance" fame.

So here's the scoop. Cat Deeley was awesome. She is exactly as warm and personable in person as she appears on SYTYCD. AND she's super sharp, professional and has the patience of a saint. I say this because the production quality of this show was sub-par. Granted, any new show - especially with computer and technical elements, is going to have it's glitches but it took them 12 hours to shoot ONE 1/2 show.

Here's where the slavery part comes in. They loaded us into the lot first - after going through metal detectors and having our bags searched. Then we were ordered to sit on rows of benches and told not to move. Once we were herded into the studio and placed, the warm up guy...and I use the term loosely...put us through our paces. They wanted high energy, enthusiasm, wild applause, loud laughter, hootin' and hollerin'. And they wanted it over and over and over and over again. We were offered no water, no food - aside from some bite sized left over Halloween candy - and were refused bathroom breaks for 5 hours at a time.

The show itself seems awkward and slow compared to the on line or hand held version. Cat Deeley is it's only redeeming quality. Time and time again, she put up with failed teleprompters - which she didn't need because she knew all of her patter by heart. She knew where the cameras were supposed to be, which lighting cues were off...I mean she could have been running the entire show on her own. She never lost her temper, she stood in impossibly high stilettos for hours - all with a smile and kind words for the audience. I'm not sure, but I think the "contestants" might have been getting paid as well - but I can't swear to it. And they were a lame lot...except for the guy who won the final game. A British pastry chef named John who seemed more jazzed about his proximity to Cat than the $20 Grand he won. The final minutes of his play ALMOST made the day worth it. Almost.

I have never been more glad to be released from something than I was Monday night. And I don't care what the universe says...that's activity I can do without. Humbling? Yes. As I sat there surrounded by this audience (mostly background actors, some poor out of work regular folk) who do this regularly, I renewed my resolve to make sure they will always be treated as human beings on any show I'm working on. I will also make sure not to hire anybody that was working on this thing. Except for Cat Deeley, if I ever get the chance. She deserves better. She deserves Ryan Seacrest's career. And I have no doubt she'll get it. But for now, we can all look forward to watching her weave her magic on SYTYCD beginning tonight! Yay!

Finally, I leave you with this to ponder...Working as a truck stop hooker is preferable to paid audience participation...Word!

Hang Time

I am the Michael Jordan of the unemployed. It's now been 3 1/2 months since I returned from working in New York. So far, I've made it through the holidays, the collapse of the modern world's financial infrastructure, the ongoing SAG work stoppage/hostage situation, Valentine's Day and the Oscars without receiving a dime of my hard earned unemployment compensation.

I've learned 52 ways to prepare oatmeal to resemble other, more appetizing food stuffs. I've learned how to color my own hair, trim my own bangs, that a solution of 1 part vinegar and 2 parts water cleans my laminate floors the best. I DIY manicures, pedicures, teeth whitening, pilates, chiropractic and therapy. It may be time to take on home horticulture...if you know what I mean. The only thing I'm not doing is bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan.

Oh, it's only a matter of time, I know. Meanwhile, I ponder morality issues like - If I catch the repo man hooking up my car, do I offer him a blow job or...

...do I adopt the Sigourney Weaver from ALIENS - "Get away from her you BITCH!" stance?

...actually, Tony Montana is more me. "Say hello to my little friend!"

Frankly, my blow jobs are worth way more than what I owe. And, by the way....ew. Sigh. I was never the sexual bartering type. That happens when you're used to being begged for it. Now, where did it get me? But I digress.
Here's more useless information I've amassed while hanging. CSI-Miami is the shit. While I was incubating the plague last week, my TV was stuck on A&E and I didn't have the will to find the remote. So I watched the marathon. It's well crafted. They have a distinct color palette for the show that's very Miami...all sherbet pastels and color saturated. The stories - taken from real CSI files I assume - are cool. Each character has their "thing" and I like them all. Especially the delish Khandi Alexander.
And I have to believe that David Caruso is in on the joke with those corny one-liners he delivers at least once during each episode. Like "You know what they say, 'You lie down with the Devil, you wake up in Hell". He's still the bad ass he promised to be back on NYPD Blue. He took his knocks, got pissed on by Hollywood for a while, found his way back and is doing what he's good at. That's all any of us can hope for, right?

Redemption seems to be a theme in 2009 so far. America, Mickey Rourke...well America hasn't been redeemed yet. There's still some Golden Shower action in the old USA's future before we can be considered "redeemed." Sean Penn acknowledged his own duplicity in his prickly relationship with success and acceptance in the Hollywood community. He worked hard for that Oscar. Mickey Rourke did too. Even though he didn't end up with it, he was a contender to the wire. And a great come back tale for all of us out here wondering if we have a 2nd act or a 3rd....

Meanwhile, I've perfected the art of hang time. Now, just wait and see what I bust out with at the next game buzzer.


P.S. - Below is a little "barter system chart" left over from the last depression. Pay special attention to the man with the sheep...

It was a good day. I didn't need my AK.

OK. You know you've got too much time on your hands when you are dining on a Lean Cuisine Chicken Club Panini and Moet at noon on a Thursday in your pajamas. When you tell yourself it's alright to have champagne because if you don't finish the bottle it'll go flat. So, it's wasteful, right? It's kinda naughty too. All that's missing now is the ecstacy and amyl nitrate poppers.... but that would be over the top for a Thursday at noon.


A peek at my dvr recordings is also a good indicator that I'm currently not working. Magnum P.I. reruns everyday. The vast backlog of Family Guy that I just discovered, "Are We Done Yet?" the frothy sequel to "Are We There Yet?". BTW, Nia Long wears some fierce white Uggs in the movie that I've never seen anywhere. That was the best thing about the movie. I love Ice Cube and all, but dude! Where are those fucking Boyz from the Hood when you need them? They could have been out joy riding in the country and come upon Cube and Nia's isolated country house and pulled a home invasion (dibs on the Uggs) and then Cube could have gone back to his old ways and gotten the AK out of it's hiding place and fucked them all up....oh well. OR, his old buddy Smokey could drop by for a weekend and get Nia's bad ass kids high. Bottom line, it's no "Money Pit".

Speaking of Chris Tucker. I had the best accidental encounter with anybody ever - with him. I was house sitting for a has been film director who obviously invested well. The phone rings on line 4. No one ever called on line 4. "Hello?" "Yeah, lemme speak to Q". I recognize the voice instantly. "Er, you have the wrong number..." For real? I dialed *******. That's the number they gave me." "Sorry, this is *******" "Oh man, for real? I'm sorry. This is Chris Tucker. I was trying to call Quincy Jones." "I know this is Chris Tucker, I recognized your voice" "For real? People out here still know who I am?" "Hell yes!" So we say our good-byes and hang up. A minute later line 4 rings again. "Hello" "Hi, this is Chris Tucker again." He just couldn't get over the fact that, I, some random white lady, knew who he was. We ended up talking for 40 minutes and I pitched him a movie! What a great story this would have made on the press junket. Alas it wasn't to be...but at least it can live on here. It's still a great movie idea but he may be too old for it now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!