Bullying Part Trois: Smiling Eyes

Bullying is certainly not limited to kid on kid. Where do you think kids learn it from?

When I was in 3rd grade, I had a teacher named Miss Davis. She was a big brassy, bawdy broad with an Ethel Merman voice and I loved her. I also thought I was one of her favorite students. I did excellent work in her class because I wanted more than anything to please her.

Funny, I can't remember what started it. There was a group of us kids goofing off in some way that irked Miss Davis enough to punish us. So, during recess she marched the six of us over to the Four Square court and made us stand around the painted circle with our legs and arms spread. All around us life continued. Other kids were playing. Some were coming over to see what we were doing. She let them laugh and point at us before she chased them off. It was chilly. Granted, it was fall in Manhattan Beach, not Ohio - but it was foggy and cold and damp. The bell blessedly rang and we thought the punishment was over.

As the playground emptied and it got quiet, we continued to stand there. Our little arms and legs shaking from cold and the strain of our stance. Before she released us she asked us all to smile at her and apologize. One by one we did it. Me too. But she wouldn't let me go. "You're not smiling with your eyes, Marion." By this time I was shaking so badly, my teeth were chattering. But some of that shaking was from anger. I had apologized and smiled - with my mouth...met the criteria. But my eyes must have made her uneasy because in them she saw a soul that refused to be broken. So she made me stand out there, in the growing gloom, shivering and shaking. My lips were sticking to my teeth. I could see my house and the kitchen window and the silhouette of my mother...watching. Yes! My heart leapt. Any second I expected the front door to fly open and my mother to come to my rescue. But she didn't. She stood and watched. Like Betty Draper but without the cigarette. I wanted to give up but knew I'd die before I gave this bitch my smiling eyes.

Miss Davis finally gave in and let me go. My arms and legs felt heavy and wooden as I walked back into the classroom. I hated her after that.

When I came home my mother slapped me.

Bullying Part Deux: The Heart of the Matter

Have I ever bullied anyone? Eh. Let's just say I've fought fire with fire...and, I didn't always have control over my own fire power.

Quick story. My daughter was in Jr. High. Her best friend Taryn (yes, that's your real name bitch) turned on her in order to be popular with another clique. They began crank calling my daughter and saying horrible things to her and hanging up. How did I find this out?? I came into her bedroom one evening to find her curled up in the corner crying. She didn't want to tell me what was wrong but I persisted.

Important plot point: Star 69 had just been invented. I was heartbroken and furious at the same time. So...I hit *69 and lo and behold, Taryn's 17 year old sister (who's name I unfortunately can't remember) answered. I could hear muffled giggling in the room as the sister tried to lie and deny. They were too stupid to realize that this new technology existed. A voice came, from deep inside my gut "If you ever call here again, for any reason, even by accident, I will drive to your house, climb through your bedroom window, sit on your chest, rip your heart out and eat it in front of you." It came out with such cold, quiet, visceral viciousness that I almost threw up but I meant it. Those bitches never called again and for the remainder of the 17 year old's school career, if she saw me - she'd cross the street. Was it wrong? Could I have handled it differently? Hey, I've got my own shit and I own it. And it worked. I did my job. I stepped in and protected my kid. The best way I knew how. Whatever else in this uncertain world, she knew she had a mom that had her back. And so did everyone else.

Gordon Ramsey is a Bully

...and he's not the only one. The Media fosters bullying behavior with reality TV competitions that encourage singling out and humiliating the weak and behind the scenes in Hollywood it's a hotbed of bullying behavior. The military calls their demeaning, humiliating, berating and extremely dangerous bullying "character building." Bullying is the topic du jour right now in America. But it will fade away again...until the next child suicide or Columbine type shooting.

How many of us will do something about it besides share a link or two. Unless it's happening in our direct path, most of us will go on with our lives because we all have our own stuff to deal with. And to everyone who has witnessed bullying and done nothing, I say "Do it differently next time." I know it's not easy to step in and confront someone. Few of us enjoy confrontation, especially with the possibility of violence. But come on! Teachers, parents...OPEN YOUR EYES AND EARS. Parents, don't assume because your kid says everything is fine that it is and you can go back to watching TV or working out or whatever. If you pay even the slightest attention to your kid, you'll know something's up and it's your job to get to the bottom of it. YOU are your child's keeper and protector. Teachers, you are PAID to TEACH. That includes teaching them how to treat each other...and, I'm sorry...it's also your job to pay attention and nip any kind of abusive behavior in the bud. I just read the blog post from "Single Dad Laughing" which is linked here. It's a singularly sad and depressing tale of his childhood nightmare of being bullied mercilessly for years and his parents NEVER KNOWING. His mother asked but he always said he was "fine." And sorry lady, you fucked up on the job. He was not fine and I bet it was obvious. But it's such a relief to hear them say they are fine because then we can make our nail appointments on time, right? To be fair, I don't know what his mother was doing but seriously. What I took away from his post was the stunning lack of care from anyone at his school(s) to step in. If you worked on the line at the Ford plant and fucked up that many cars, you'd be fired. These are not robots you're spending your days with people. They are HUMAN BEINGS that will be forever shaped and marked in part by their school-hood experiences. To quote a greatly celebrated bully of our time "You've burned the fucking RISOTTO!!!"