Happy Birthday Mr. Beatty, Pt. 1

In the 70's, Warren Beatty was not only a big giant movie star but the reigning Cock of the Walk. His sexual exploits were legendary as he made his way not only through the pantheon of his A list co stars but models, maids, socialites, wives, waitresses, daughters of friends...In 1976 he was still living in his long time digs atop the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. If you were a young girl with dreams of f**cking the great Warren Beatty, you went and hung out in their lobby. And that's how, on a summer evening, I ended up accompanying my best friend Eve* from our provincial little hamlet of Manhattan Beach, to stake out the Beverly Wilshire Bar. (*not her real name)

Having Warren Beatty as their well known tenant upped the hotel's profile and also drew a clientele of older, well heeled men who were hoping to snag his cast offs. In turn, this also lured more hookers...or "escorts" as they liked to be called. So the bar was a potent mix of horny young girls, hornier old men with money and money hungry working girls.

Before we go any further, let me point out that the 70's was when sexuality really opened up for women due to the availability of The Pill and we were all a little sluttier for it. But I was only there as Eve's wing man. I had no desire to f**ck Warren Beatty. He was too pretty. And he was f**cking everything that moved! But Eve really, really wanted to f**ck Warren Beatty and she didn't want to stalk him alone. So there I was in my Halston knock-off gamely trying to drink a dry martini without pulling a face. After being hit on by a couple of the deeply tanned, horny old boys, Eve and I were approached by one of 'the girls'...who I guess must have been having a bad week...she came over and in low tones tried to threaten us out of there. I offered to introduce her to the old horn dogs since they all seemed to be there for the same purpose. Except of course, I was too naive at the time to realize that old horny guys with cash are still going to try for the 'bargain' - being nubile young girls you can "buy" for a couple drinks and some appetizers - rather than a hooker who, no matter how attractive is still...well, a hooker.

Just as the hooker was starting to get a little loud with us...enter Warren Beatty. The minute he entered the lobby, a jolt of electricity went through the place. That energy entered the room ahead of him. As was apparently his M.O., he popped into the bar to 'peruse' before retiring to his suite. The hooker stopped, mid diatribe, her mouth in a perfect blow job "O"...I'm not sure if Eve was speaking. If she was, the pitch was one only dogs could hear. She was pinching the underside of my upper arm which brought tears to my eyes...I looked from her to the hooker, wondering what the hell was going on. Then from behind me I heard "Hi girls" and I turned around to find myself face to face with HIM.

His face was composed in that famous arrogant smirk and the hair was "Shampoo" era. I thought Eve might pass out because her grip on my arm was loosening. He smiled politely but dismissively at the hooker. If she worked there regularly, they probably recognized each other. But again, I was too naive to realize and kind of tossed my hair at her as if to say "haha, he doesn't want to talk to you, hooker!"

Mr. Beatty didn't sit...he stood between us at the bar...our knees pressing into his hips. There would be no lobby bar courtship, no drinks and small talk. There was a rhythm and routine to this transaction. "Would you like to come upstairs?" I immediately said "no thanks" and started to explain that I was only keeping Eve company. Somehow, Eve finally found her voice and said she'd love nothing more than to go upstairs. But for him, this was supposed to be a package deal. Both of us or none. I wasn't having it. It was actually starting to freak me out a little inside. Here I was, arguing with hookers in the Beverly Wilshire bar and being propositioned for a menage a trois by the hottest, handsomest movie star of the day! Eve actually started crying because I was ruining her Warren Beatty moment. Warren offered to have a private word with me while she went to repair her make up. "We can just send her home if you want." That wasn't what I was expecting to hear. Suddenly, there was a metallic taste in my mouth...fear, no doubt - which I think I managed to hide under my "moxie." I've always been big on moxie whether to my advantage or my detriment.

I still didn't want to f*ck him but part of me was secretly thrilled that it was me he wanted. Me and Faye Dunaway, Catherine Deneuve. Diane Keaton, Julie Christie, Natalie Wood, etc, etc, etc.
As Eve made her way back to her seat, I told him "no thanks" once more. With a little nod and that smirk, he left...just like that. Poor Eve was beside herself. I never told her what he said to me privately. That would have made her hate me even more. And she stopped being my friend that night.

Needless to say, I wasn't a Beatty convert after that. But many years later, while working on "Bulworth", I became one...

Stay tuned for Pt 2, tomorrow.

Female Driven movies don't sell...oh wait, they DO!

Is there anything new or groundbreaking about "OBSESSED"? The Beyonce starrer that opened at an obviously unexpected #1 this weekend? Besides Idris Elba and his fine self? No. It's a "Fatal Attraction" retread - and not a fresh one. I guess the big twist is "Oh, we'll make the couple black and the ho white!" Apparently the box office was driven primarily (58%) by women, of which half were 25 or under. Now, that is most likely due to Ms. Knowles (or Mrs. Carter). And who were the other 42%?

Would the movie have done as well on a bigger weekend? With different stars? Better story? Who knows? All I know is - I wish "Hollywood" would make up it's mind about...well, anything but specifically about female driven projects. Television (cable or otherwise) is the current domain of female driven projects. Just about every network has at least one successful skein with a female protagonist.

I have a theory about that. Having just had this conversation last week with my manager (who I love =)) about the new script I delivered. An erotic thriller with a female protagonist entitled "151". It's 'R' rated - for language, sex and violence. Think Joe Eszterhas in his prime...think "Basic Instinct", "The Jagged Edge", "Body Heat", "The Last Seduction." My manager's first suggestion was "Let's take it to Lifetime." .....cricket, cricket, cricket....hello, is this thing on? Don't get me wrong. I'd LOVE to sell something to Lifetime! I'd love to sell something to anyone! But the reasoning behind the logic went like this..."The Women" was terrible and it tanked."

Now, "The Women" was a much ballyhoed project around town for many years. Almost every 'A' list actress was attached to it at one time or another. When the "Sex and the City" movie came out and killed - all of Hollywood went bananas - shocked! shocked, I say that the movie based on the wildly successful and enduringly popular series was doing such gangbuster business. And assuming that we women are out here waiting for just any bullshit movie with a Vajayjay. Obviously, that's not true. Because nobody had an appetite for "The Women" - it wasn't able to draft behind SATC's success. It tanked....with all of our female driven hopes and dreams tied to it???????

I think women, just like men - all being human - are attracted to good escapist fare. Give us an underdog who comes out on top, a person in peril who kicks ass, a misunderstood superhero (or villian for that matter), a story we can relate to and an outcome we can cheer for and we're happy. And these days, with the "all too real" doom and gloom the media is feeding us 24/7, we need that escapist fare even more. And if there's hot sex, cool subcultures, exotic locales and a feel good ass kicking involved - Yahoo! Why should Lifetime have all the fun? I'm just sayin'...

By the way, Idris Elba is a fine Mother F**cker! Loved him since "The Wire" and his turns on "The Office" and "RockNRolla" have deepened that love. I even tried to watch something awful called "The Unborn" because he was in it. Unfortunately he wasn't in the first 15 minutes and I bailed. He also deejays under the name "Big Driis the Londoner" and has produced music with JayZ! He brings it. He is a man; capitol M-A-N, Man! So thrilled to see his career is on FIRE!

Dear Somali Pirates, please accept my application for review...

Now that you are stepping up your piracy efforts and coming into contact with world leaders, you need to do something about your image. The first thing that comes to mind is....well, you need a Queen. A Pirate Queen. I feel I am uniquely qualified for this position for a number of reasons. Please peruse my resume below:

I have flaming red hair. The most famed Queen of the Pirates - Grace O'Malley had red hair. Red hair is mandatory.

I am of statuesque voluptuous build. And don't put me in a corset because men will weep.

I have been married to an OG - which, in urban parlance means a bad mother fucker. I was his partner in all things. A Ruff Rida. Bonnie to his Clyde but in a much more pimpin way. I did whatever necessary to further our empire.


I have been involved in violent incidents, including but not limited to stabbings, shootings, beat downs. These things do not make me lose my presence of mind. Also, as your 'front woman', so to speak - they'll be much less likely to shoot at me.

I have a problem with authority which makes me immediately resistant to any of the normal channels of "negotiating" - An added plus here is that I have no fear of Hillary Clinton. Someone you should watch out for - in or out of international waters.

I have led film crews - consisting mostly of rough men with labor union backgrounds - into a daily battle we call "making the day" and been victorious. And this, despite often having to contend with a captain too drunk or enraged with his own sad state as a man.

I am a white woman of a certain age - with the grace and guile that this entails. This means I can reconnoiter and decoy in places where - frankly, you'll stick out like a third world sore thumb.

I have maternal instincts and am quite obsessive about the state of my immediate surroundings. This means that YOUR immediate surroundings will improve dramatically. People will bathe, keep their bunks tidy, laundry will be done, meals will be healthier and tastier. The liquor will be top shelf.

I am willing to pleasure some of you sexually, but this will be at my sole discretion and based on how you appeal to me esthetically. Smell is verrrry important.

All in all, you would do well to consider this offer before another pirate outfit does. What I require in return for being your Queen, is private quarters, 30% of all plunder, access to modern transportation and final deciding vote on all proposed pirate endeavors. The contract shall be for one year with two renewal options.

Thanks for your consideration and I look forward to discussing the possibilities in the near future.

P.S. - This shit right here, pirate? This shit right here ain't never gonna happen. So forget about it.

Sincerely, M