Dear Somali Pirates, please accept my application for review...

Now that you are stepping up your piracy efforts and coming into contact with world leaders, you need to do something about your image. The first thing that comes to mind is....well, you need a Queen. A Pirate Queen. I feel I am uniquely qualified for this position for a number of reasons. Please peruse my resume below:

I have flaming red hair. The most famed Queen of the Pirates - Grace O'Malley had red hair. Red hair is mandatory.

I am of statuesque voluptuous build. And don't put me in a corset because men will weep.

I have been married to an OG - which, in urban parlance means a bad mother fucker. I was his partner in all things. A Ruff Rida. Bonnie to his Clyde but in a much more pimpin way. I did whatever necessary to further our empire.


I have been involved in violent incidents, including but not limited to stabbings, shootings, beat downs. These things do not make me lose my presence of mind. Also, as your 'front woman', so to speak - they'll be much less likely to shoot at me.

I have a problem with authority which makes me immediately resistant to any of the normal channels of "negotiating" - An added plus here is that I have no fear of Hillary Clinton. Someone you should watch out for - in or out of international waters.

I have led film crews - consisting mostly of rough men with labor union backgrounds - into a daily battle we call "making the day" and been victorious. And this, despite often having to contend with a captain too drunk or enraged with his own sad state as a man.

I am a white woman of a certain age - with the grace and guile that this entails. This means I can reconnoiter and decoy in places where - frankly, you'll stick out like a third world sore thumb.

I have maternal instincts and am quite obsessive about the state of my immediate surroundings. This means that YOUR immediate surroundings will improve dramatically. People will bathe, keep their bunks tidy, laundry will be done, meals will be healthier and tastier. The liquor will be top shelf.

I am willing to pleasure some of you sexually, but this will be at my sole discretion and based on how you appeal to me esthetically. Smell is verrrry important.

All in all, you would do well to consider this offer before another pirate outfit does. What I require in return for being your Queen, is private quarters, 30% of all plunder, access to modern transportation and final deciding vote on all proposed pirate endeavors. The contract shall be for one year with two renewal options.

Thanks for your consideration and I look forward to discussing the possibilities in the near future.

P.S. - This shit right here, pirate? This shit right here ain't never gonna happen. So forget about it.

Sincerely, M