On the 12th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

Sundays with Bianca

Here we are...the final day of Christmas...I've saved my best, most important gift for last. My daughter Bianca. Some of you may have heard our story before but it's Christmas and it bears repeating.

When I was young and running around like an Untouchable, I got pregnant. Back then, my life was so crazy that missed periods were pretty standard. This was before in home pregnancy tests (Jeez) and I'd go to the doctor's office quite often for the "Rabbit Test." I can't recall what the Rabbit Test was exactly...something about peeing on a rabbit and if it turned blue you were pregnant?...the tests were always negative. So, I let my guard down a bit and ignored a few missed periods. And then discovered, this time, I really was pregnant...22 weeks pregnant. Because the baby had been conceived during a time that my husband and I weren't together, I knew there would be drama... and there was.

He wanted me to get an abortion...Thankfully, there were no clinics willing to do it so far into the pregnancy...Imagine if we had still been in L.A....the land of late trimester abortions...but the Universe was on full alert and protected this baby. He gave me a choice... Keep the baby and lose my husband...something I couldn't face. So, reluctantly I turned to thinking about giving the baby up and had started making calls. Then a miracle happened. He came home one night and took me in his arms and said that the baby was a part of me and he would love it as he loved me....so, she was born...but not before there had been several near disastrous accidents. These are stories for another time but, briefly...I took a spill on a motorcycle and also fell down a full flight of stairs in my eighth month. Neither incident fazed Bianca.

I've once in while wondered, had he known that having her would ultimately cause me to leave him, would he have had that change of heart? But no matter, Bianca was meant to be born and everything lined up to make sure that happened. Having her saved my life to be sure. The kind of life I was living doesn't end in a rocking chair on a nice porch somewhere.


So, we were bound together in a cosmic contract. Something wants us both here. And it is this bond, this unspoken contract that has brought us this far. And she continues to save my life...just by existing. It's been frustrating for me during dark times...I who am no stranger to suicidal thoughts. Frankly, I'm not a fan of hanging around "just in case" things turn out alright...the powers that be obviously knew this about me and exercised the Bianca Clause on me.

Now, during this darkest of years, 2009...my Sundays with Bianca have been my lifeline. Oh, we text and email and Facebook and talk on the phone pretty much daily...but she's a gorgeous, bright, lively young woman who should be making her own way and living her own busy life and I work hard to respect that...in exchange for which, I am blessed with Sundays, when she and I hang out...go to the movies...to a little pub...whatever it is, it's like my church...I just realized that...I go to the church of Bianca on Sundays and my spirit is renewed enough to face another week...come what may. I don't know if there will be a great reveal one day...that will show us why our journey is so intertwined and to what purpose. It seems odd to tie two people together and have an airtight fail safe in place to make sure we...meaning I, stay...all I know for sure is that I love her...so I stay.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night.

On the 11th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

A Port in a Storm

I don't know how it works for you but it's very important for me to create an atmosphere that is familiar, consistent, safe and comfortable. I've never been one of those people that can write in a cubicle, a coffee shop or a park. I can blog, I can email, I can IM, etc. anywhere. But to go where I need to go within myself to give birth to my characters and the stories they inhabit...I need peace and reasonably assured privacy.

My friends, the Many's have afforded me such a place. Their very own home. They have been astoundingly loving and giving to me and understanding of me. They offered me a port in my storm. I am allowed to come and go without announcement. No questions asked. If I'm having a dark day they leave me be til I'm ready to be human again.

The room I write in was once their oldest son's...now a dvd library of sorts. It sits at the very front of the house and also has a door to their laundry room. I don't either shut the door when I'm there because somehow the room is removed enough from the hustle bustle of the rest of the house while still allowing me to hear the comforting sounds of life around me. Except when it sounds like there are tennis shoes in the dryer. There's a big overstuffed chair and ottoman by the window where I set up shop. Their two dogs - Huskies named Lexi and Tasha, are my muses. They greet me with wild joy every single time they see me and eventually settle in on the floor at my feet, to keep me company. It's a truly beautiful thing. When I'm there, I can feel all the promise of what's possible, tangibly once more.


It's no small gesture to open one's home to someone...no matter how much you care for them...I don't think I could do it. But the Many's are extraordinary people. And I am very lucky to benefit from their kindness. I hope to be able to thank them properly some day but I know they're not keeping tabs.

On the 10th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

HULU!!!

I know so many people who feel the same way! As we've all reviewed our budgets and nixed everything but the bare essentials, many of us tried to save cable until the bitter end. Because, at least to me, TV is a bare essential...and there was Hulu to step into the breach.

Hulu, I thank you from the bottom of my heart...I've heard that you want to start charging...and I get that...you are providing an invaluable service by making it possible to survive without cable...I may never go back except for those HBO/Showtime shows that aren't available...but please, please don't start charging until we can all afford it! I had to suspend my beloved Netflix account this year and I miss it.

And BTW, what the hell is up with TNT, Lifetime and CBS? Seriously, you couldn't just allow your content to be viewed on Hulu? Your servers are too weak to sustain the stream and makes viewing very un-user friendly. Therefore, I am not watching your shows. Boo.

But Hulu? I love ya! You've been a lifesaver.

On the 9th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

James Franco on General Hospital!

Again, in dark times, it's often just the seemingly silliest things that get me through.

I enjoyed getting caught up in the hype of James Franco...one of my favorite actors...seeking out a role on a show that I have watched since Luke & Laura days. I was insanely excited...not only for myself but for the actors on the show. What a great energy boost for them. These actors put out some great performances under the gun and on the fly...there is little to no rehearsal and rarely more than one take...I can tell you from first hand experience that there are no six figure movie stars who can deliver under those circumstances...

It was such fun to watch Kirsten Storms' Maxie get seduced by "Franco." And the twinkle in Anthony Geary's eyes when he and the movie star spray painted on the 'art'...priceless.

And by the way...Not enough has been said about the return of Jonathan Jackson, to the role he originated. I watched his Lucky Spencer grow up. He is a mezmerizing actor who has brought back a lot of the layering and shading of that character. Greg Vaughns Lucky was solid and had a strong "hero" vibe...you never know with Jackson's version...

So, the orignial giddiness of James Franco's presence has worn off because I enjoy watching this cast no matter who guests with them...but like I said, sometimes it's the silliest things that get me through to the next better moment...so Bravo to Franco and to GH for contributing to my bridge over troubled waters this year.


Still can't wait to see how the storyline plays out!

On the 8th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

The Generosity of Friends

2009 has been a Witch's tit of a year..To many...Some of those many are my friends. Friends who have been having a tough go of it this year as well...but these friends have been incredibly good to me...

One friend was keeping me supplied with weed for months....MONTHS, for free...Others treated me to things that are usually on the casualty list when you've been unemployed for a looooong time...a nice meal out, a few drinks at the local pub, a movie complete with popcorn and soda. There is something so humanizing about these social mores...they make one feel infinitely better about ones self. The generosity of these friends has overwhelmed me at times...also overwhelming has been the deafening silence or the breakneck backpedaling of other 'friends'. But, I've been working on letting that be about them and not me. Who knows what fears our circumstances trigger in others. Who knows - indeed - what burdens and hardships others are facing and trying to keep under wraps.

But, I am so touched by the generosity I have been shown this year and I look forward to being able to supply the same for someone when I can.

I love you all. You know who you are.

On the 7th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...











My MacBook Pro

Originally purchased in 2008, this baby is my lifeline. It allows me...nay commands me to continue to be creative, no matter my circumstances.

It's a complete studio in a sleek brushed silver package. It's been along on all of my travels. Has ituned in Cannes, digitized in San Francisco, wifi'd for free in the middle of Central Park at midnite. It goes to bed with me, it's been to the head with me...It's my single most valuable and meaningful possession. I love my Mac!

On the 6th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

Katt Williams!

I couldn't possibly say enough about how much I love and appreciate this man. I'm not even going to bother posting any youtube clips because there are too many to choose from. He is brilliant. He is genius. He is funnier than shit while observing the way of the world and bringing those observations back home to roost with his audience...


He is a potent antidote for whatever ails me...and I need a BIG dose of him today. When you see this level of brilliance it's difficult to not believe that there's something bigger than us as individuals out there...


I LOVE YOU KATT!!!! I GOT YOUR BACK!!

On the 5th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

FACEBOOK

Never really got into Friendster. I have a MySpace page but can't remember how to access it and haven't been on it in years. I joined Facebook at the urging of a hipster friend who said it was a "must." Especially if I was doing comedy. And my hipster friend, who's name rhymes with Schmoo was correct!

What's been awesome about it is being able to stay connected with people who are no longer in my immediate orbit but who used to delight me in one way or another. Even the worst days could be made a tiny bit better by seeing their always witty, interesting, funny posts. It's also very gratifying when other people "get" me and respond in kind. When I was in my deepest, darkest depression, this summer - literally going nowhere, seeing no one - I could and often would go to Facebook. It's always there, no matter the time of day or night. During that time, I even got really sucked into Mafia Wars - it kind of became my "job" over the summer. I got great satisfaction watching my fake bank account grow to over a billion. At least I had money stashed in the virtual world!

What's been fascinating from an anthropological viewpoint is that, even though keeping in touch with someone on Facebook is literally a click away...some people are apparently "too busy" to even maintain that level of civility. I love posters who take the time to declare "I'm so busy I don't know what to do!" but obviously have time to post that. Howeve,r do not have time to respond to me. That was bothering me a lot for a while. But a few months ago, I just decided "Fuck it!" and defriended a bunch of people. Not in a retribury way. My goal was to reduce stress in my life wherever possible and easy to do so. Stressing about a long time friend who's just too cool for school to interact with me? No more. Deleted. Funny thing is, once that happened some of these people contacted me "I haven't seen your Facebook status in a while. Are you ok?" And I'm not mad at them. I get that everyone has their own stuff going on. But, don't get your stuff on my stuff. Everybody's happy. No one gets hurt.

Aother really cool by-product of putting myself out there on a social networking site has been that it really has exposed me to people who didn't know me before but "friended" me because they enjoy what I put up. Three of those people came to my show in September. That was really cool. Thanks Facebook!

On the 4th Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

AMBIEN!

Sleep has been and continues to be key in keeping me healthy and sane - ish.

You know how it feels when you haven't had a good night's sleep...or worse have suffered a string of sleepless nights. Lack of sleep even attacks the very young.

It's no secret that as we age, our sleep patterns change or are more easily disrupted. We wake up in the middle of the night more easily. Whether it's because of increased trips to the bathroom, an unruly animal (man or beast), temperature, etc - it's tough to find that nadir of the perfect sleep. The sleep of babies...Damn babies...it's wasted on babies!

I am thankfully one of those perfect candidates for Ambien. I haven't suffered any of the widely publicized side effects - with the exception of one very vivid Bugs Bunny hallucination at the very beginning of my usage. I've never eaten, driven...or had "crazy Ambien sex" while under the influence. Granted, I only take 1/2 pill every night. On weekends, I'll take a whole one or 1/2 and then another 1/2 when I wake up, so that I can sleep in.


I had a friend who was up to 6 - 10 per night and he did do some wacky Ambien driving. Crashed his car into the neighbors car and fled the scene...into his house, where the police found him..asleep. He once went to an NA meeting while "asleep" and knew nothing about it until he ran into one of the other attendees who commented on how much "sharing" he had done at the meeting.

But were it not for Ambien, I'd look and feel like Beowolf's mother...and I don't mean the Angelina version.

On the 3rd Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

District 9

A movie, put out with very little expectation that delivered on every level you'd want a movie to deliver on. While it does carry the Peter Jackson name (as producer), there are no stars in it and most of us had never heard of the director. For me, it was a happy accident that I saw it at all. We had planned to see Julie & Julia but it was sold out. District 9 was starting, so we went in.

I was so moved by the story itself and then by how well the movie was made.


How it made us care for the 'Prawns' - so alien and ugly looking. How Sharlto Copley played the character of Wikes Van De Merwe like a Stradivarius. Just remembering it now illicits another WOW.

After the movie, I paid attention to what everyone around us was talking about. More often than not these days, people have already forgotten about the movie even before they hit the lobby. But everyone was still discussing the story and what they thought would happen next. We were all invested in the future of Wikes and the Prawns! This experience fed my soul (seriously) and gave me the strength to want to hope for my own future as a filmmaker again.

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...

My Universe gave to me...

ELIZABETH WARREN

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Elizabeth Warren Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Knowing she's out there watching out for "us" makes me feel better, as it did Jon Stewart when she guested on his show. She explains things in such a way that makes it easier for someone like me to wrap my head around them. There's something calming and assertive without being aggressive like Susie Ormon can be. I know she's smart and gives good advice but she scares me! Elizabeth Warren's is the voice I turn to to calm the angst when it starts to spin out of control. Ahhhhhh. Elizabeth Warren is watching over us.

On the 1st Day of Christmas...

The Universe gave to me...

SURPRISED KITTY!



Posted on October 13th with over 11 millions hits, this adorable kitten has obviously had quite an impact on the universe. It's been forwarded the world over. And nobody complains!

If you're trying to just piece moments of goodness together, this is 17 seconds of goodness.

Get Ready for the 12 Days of Christmas

I'm doing this mostly for my benefit and I hope my eight followers get some joy out of it as well. Beginning tomorrow, December 14th, I'm going to do a countdown for the 12 Days of Christmas!

The idea came to me while I was feeling sorry for myself and I tried to do a little mental laundry list of "what I have to be grateful for." I started out to make a semi snarky, "humorous" type of list but then I realized that if I really was doing this for me, why not earnestly look back and try to pin point the 12 things that really helped me get through this absolutely shitty year. If you've read this blog at all, you'll know I've had an existential crisis of epic proportions.

So, enjoy the next 12 Days of Christmas...my gift from me to...me. And you.




Meow.

No Wings 4 U!

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show hit it's tipping point a few years ago and became HUGE. Remember when it was only available to view on the internet and the overload of viewers caused the site and much of the internet to crash? The last few years it's been a "must see" TV event...Fun for the whole family! 2009's show aired last week and will air an encore viewing this Thursday. If you didn't catch it, don't bother. I gathered with friends on Saturday to watch. We had drinks, we had food, we had anticipation. Here's what we didn't have...

ADRIANNA LIMA, who is or was pregnant with her first child. Nobody sexes up the catwalk like Adrianna. Most of the other star supermodels made an appearance but they were interspersed with a bunch of Sunday insert quality models, who I've never seen in the Victoria's Secret catalog before. It was kind of like standing in line to see the "Glee" kids and finding only the extras appearing. Heidi did a "surprise" walk which was fun even though they had her covered up in a bit too much tulle. Still 20 lbs above her fighting weight - after just giving birth 5 weeks ago, she looked great despite the vomit-plosion of tulle.

Also lacking was the wow factor of fantasy angel costumes. Because, this is not really a "fashion" show. It's a SHOW. In the past, their winged flights of fancy was my favorite part. There were maybe 2 or 3 outfits at the most that made me go "oooooh" this year.

Don't even get me started about the lame "New Angel" competition! Don't we get enough of that on reality TV already? The Angels are supposed to be fully formed deities who fall from heaven to model underwear! Not corn fed wanna bes from Kansas or wherever the hell they bus them in from. It was beyond distracting to watch those segments because none of us cared about these aspiring models. If I wanted to care, I'd start watching America's Next Top Model again. I want supermodels who's purview is the catwalk. Who stomp like Valkyries. Who look like they could fly off on those wings! Come on!

The musical performances also fell flat... Fergie in a teal corset gown looked out of her element. Her true style is edgy! Keep it real...and, is it just me or does it seem weird to have a woman singing as the models walk? Last year, with Usher, worked and his interaction with the models was organic and seemed fun. The Peas and the models didn't really connect. They were kind of dancing "at each other" rather than with each other.

And there was no "show stopping" moment like this...

The thrill of watching Seal sing "Amazing" as his wife walked out in this eyepopping snowflake get up, caused collective "oooh-ing" and "ahhhhh-ing" from audience as well as from us at home. It was a perfectly produced show and they haven't topped it since.

I actually might not watch in 2010. Which means an angel won't get her wings.

Damned if you Suck, Damned if you Don't

It's funny what motivates me to pontificate.

I personally didn't have an opinion of Tiger Woods - one way or the other before his Thanksgiving drama - I still don't, really. But, I do have some feelings about the 'alleged' situation. Cheating in a relationship is destructive to all concerned. I've been the cheatee as well as the cheater. I've been 'The Wife' and I've been 'The Skank.

At 20, I was married to my gangster. He was 14 years older than me and famously once told me that he was "too much man for one woman." Only a 20 year old would take that as a challenge. I was young. I was hot. I turned myself into a pretzel (literally and figuratively) to be a Penthouse fantasy come to life. All of his friends and associates were jealous and he still cheated on me. I can't speak for every other woman who's been cheated on but it fucked with my head in an insidious way. My brain couldn't process it. Because, I was giving him everything he could possibly want or need. I never turned him down for sex. Ever. And what's worse, the women he cheated with were not attractive (ie: fugly). Nobody tells women that the cheating isn't a reflection on us. How many jokes have you heard about this? Remember Chris Rock's hilarious riff on the Lewinsky affair?

"See, this whole Monica Lewinsky scandal is Hillary's fault...'Cause, ladies, you know your man...You know what kind of man you got...You know if you got the crazy, 'need-a-blowjob-all-the-time man'... So Hillary Clinton put us all in danger...She put the security of the free world in jeopardy...That's right, she's the First Lady...She's supposed to be the first one on her knees to suck his dick!...Monica Lewinsky shouldn't have even stood a chance...Hillary's supposed to already be down there, like 'Hey, I've got it! I got the dick. Tickle his ass or something. Yeah, grab a ball, make yourself useful'."

Intern Skank/Presidential Cheater

I have no idea how much presidential dick Hillary was sucking. None of us do. I can only speak from experience when I say that I did my dick sucking best because I did know what kind of man I had. Seriously, there wasn't a drop left when he left the house. It didn't stop him though. Men cheat. It's the rule not the exception. Finishing my Chris Rock theme, he also said "A man is basically as faithful as his options." Unfortunately, I still spent years chasing the Holy Grail called "a faithful man." I grew up with parents who, while lacking in other areas, seemed utterly devoted to each other. My dad never went out with the guys. They went everywhere and did everything together. They are still together now. So this was the template on which I based the belief that there must be other faithful men out there. Now, I sometimes wonder if my dad did ever cheat. Although I don't know when it could have happened. ..maybe that's the secret. Don't give him any options. Don't let him out of your sight...hardly practical.

Now, Tiger's wife, Elin obviously didn't know what kind of man she had. I know we don't know for sure how that accident happened but I think most of us have a pretty good idea. Beautiful, genteel blond Swedish women aren't known for busting on people with golf clubs for the hell of it . At least Tiger had the class to cover for her. Can you imagine if this was Jon & Kate? That fat fuck would be crying to TMZ about the injuries she inflicted on him right now. I'm sure Tiger 's beyond mortified that this has become public fodder. Too bad he didn't have the class to not fuck around...or at the very least not fuck around with the typical fame whores dujour. And surely he had better options! He's Tiger Woods, y'all! You'd think he'd have access to better Hos...OR professionals. Although, apparently America is so fame obsessed now that the price of a high priced hooker doesn't include discretion anymore. You have to be specific. "I want a hooker with a side of Shut the Fuck up!"

I've heard speculation that Elin knew he was fucking around. That it's an unwritten understanding with these wives. In some cases that may be true. Which brings me to my experience as 'The Skank.' And let me say up front, I don't defend my actions at all. He was married. Had 2 kids. He was one of my bosses. Jimminy Cricket, how much more wrong can you go? But I fell in love with him. Now, his wife did know he was fucking around. He was a notorious cheater. I was supposedly the first affair that worried her because he wouldn't break it off after she figured out it was me. Not long after she put the pieces together (not rocket science), she came to visit the studio and we found each other alone in a ladies room together. I was taking my earrings off in the stall figuring I was in for a fight. But, not only did she not try to kill me...she engaged me in chit-chat...I felt like beating my own ass, a la Jim Carrey in "Liar Liar"!

Hilariously mispelled Payback

Whether you're famous or not, the fall out from something like this is gonna leave a mark. If Tiger Woods was just some guy, only his family and neighbors would be privvy to the drama. When I shot my gangster (calm down - flesh wound!) he lied to the emergency room doctors and said he'd been showing me how to clean the gun when it accidentally went off. They didn't call the cops and the only consequence was our marriage. Tiger's damage is still being tallied but it's going to take more than a pricey bauble to repair Elin's psyche.

And the skanks suffer too. Even if they're gold diggers, dick riders or fame whores. At the core of it, it still involves how they value themselves. And let's face it. While riding a famous dick might have some initial cash rewards - have you heard the new 50 Cent/Ne-Yo track 'Have a Baby by Me, Be a Millionaire"? and get you some tabloid face time - in the end you're still going to be The Skank.

Skank du jour

I know it's so much fun to read the dirt, repeat the jokes, make assumptions about Elin and what she was or wasn't doing to "deserve" this. But I keep thinking about how painful it is over there right now. How, for her, the holidays will be tainted for years to come.

I also keep thinking about what an incredible dolt Tiger Woods turns out to be. One of the skanks he took a beat down for wasted no time turning over his texts and voicemails to TMZ. The other is "negotiating a payout" Did Tiger really think they'd have his back?

Again, I can only draw from personal experience. Maybe I'm not fit to be among the ranks of skanks. Because when my affair ended - after 3 years - in the dawn of the Sexual Harrassment Age - I wrote and signed a letter stating that while I was involved in a workplace affair, there was no sexual harrassment involved. There were several other women (who I knew) at the studio who cashed in on their affairs with executives for 5 and 6 figure settlements but I knew it would be a lie...In retrospect, I could have used the cash...

priceless

The Secret is Out

By now, "The Secret" has sold millions of copies of books, dvds, journals, calendars, etc. I've seen the movie. When I was first turned on to it by a friend, I watched several times. I turned a lot of people on to it as well. My two favorite speakers on the dvd were Esther Hicks and James Arthur Ray. I'll go ahead and admit it...I even had a crush on James Arthur Ray. Which is what prompted me to invite my favorite person, my daughter Bianca, to join me at one of his "free" seminars being held at the Beverly Hills Hotel in 2008. We liked what he had to say on "The Secret" enough to go. Which is saying a lot. I managed to avoid ever getting sucked into EST or Tony Robbins or The Forum but I was invested enough in James Arthur Ray's persona to go see him in person. So off we went.

The minute we arrived in the reception area of the ballroom and I got a look at most of the other people there, I felt like a sucker. Call me mean if you must but the room was 90% people I'd never willingly talk to. Which immediately made me think "Wait, am I one of 'those' people too?" You know what I mean...or, if you don't you might be one of those people too. Nonetheless, we stayed. The sales pressure started immediately. His staff handed out packets and instructed us to fill out order forms for Ray product before the seminar started in order to get "the best price." Nowhere in the packet did it give any kind of cost info. We sat on ours.

Then it was time for the man himself to take the stage. Now, we knew what he looked like from the dvd but we weren't prepared for the newly glammed version of Ray. He reminded me of Tony Robbins or a used car salesman. He was uber tan, svelte, buffed and polished to within an inch of his life. His suit was Armani (how do I know? He told us so) Now, granted, he WAS wearing a thumb ring in the dvd which maybe should have been a tip off but honestly, I liked what he had to say on the dvd. And much of that was reiterated there in the Beverly Hills Hotel.

What raised a red flag for me...aside from the slick get up was the huckstering. Right from the beginning he kept asking us if we'd "committed to having a better life" and if so, had we filled in our credit card info on the sales order form in the packet. Those who didn't raise our hands in acknowledgement, were treated to his disappointment in our lack of willingness to do whatever it took to improve our lives. You know that most of the people in the room were looking to financially improve our lives and being asked to blindly fork over an untold sum didn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. Gradually, over the next hour or so, as the pressure to "commit" increased - "In life, you get what you give," while still being met with resistance from most of us. Ray then offered up "the next best thing" - his various dvd/CD sets. He announced that he was going to give a set away. Here's how it went down:

He opened the package. Took out the first CD. Held it up. "Who wants this? Who wants it? Show me you want it!" A sprinkling of people jumped up from their seats, waving their hands. He was holding it high over head. A couple of people made their way to the foot of the stage and jumped up and down as if Springsteen tickets were in the balance. Ray slowly lowered the CD until it was right over their heads. Finally, one of the eager beavers was able to snatch it out of his hand. This was repeated several times until the front of the stage looked like chummed water along side The Orca. People were jockeying for position, stepping on each other's toes, elbowing the competition. For what? One CD out of 12 CD set???? Seriously, what are you gonna do with one CD?
Needless to say, we were disappointed in the flesh and blood James Arthur Ray. Turns out he's just another salesman wrapped in the cloth of spirituality. If spirituality was made by Armani. I left feeling vaguely sad. Like a kid who's already heard that Santa doesn't exist but is still holding out hope.

And now, this ultra ugly sweatlodge tragedy. I had heard about the deaths in passing and didn't really pay attention to the story. Then, this morning, while idley flipping through a few weeks old People Magazine, I finally saw that it wasn't just any old sweatlodge.Iit was a James Arthur Ray sweatlodge! Called the "Spiritual Warrior"retreat, people paid $10 grand to live in the desert, starve, skip sleep and sweat with 50 others in a plastic tarp covered tent. Throughout the "ceremony," Ray and his team were putting that familiar pressure on attendees to "Push past the pain" and making it uncomfortable to walk out. And three people died. You can read more detail here.

Well I hope Ray has saved and invested well because something tells me he's not going to be making much money in the future. What began (or seems so) as a genuine desire to make a difference spiraled pretty quickly into the requisite greed and arrogance that would lead a man to push people dangerously beyond their levels of "committment."

And btw, that doesn't absolve the people themselves. We have to take responsibility for our own acts as well. Using the sweatlodge as an example, if it feels too hot to you, get the fuck out! Don't let anyone tell you you're not a true "warrior" of any kind if you act on your instincts.

As with every other shitty situation we find ourselves in these days. It's not like it was a secret.