Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Damned if you Suck, Damned if you Don't

It's funny what motivates me to pontificate.

I personally didn't have an opinion of Tiger Woods - one way or the other before his Thanksgiving drama - I still don't, really. But, I do have some feelings about the 'alleged' situation. Cheating in a relationship is destructive to all concerned. I've been the cheatee as well as the cheater. I've been 'The Wife' and I've been 'The Skank.

At 20, I was married to my gangster. He was 14 years older than me and famously once told me that he was "too much man for one woman." Only a 20 year old would take that as a challenge. I was young. I was hot. I turned myself into a pretzel (literally and figuratively) to be a Penthouse fantasy come to life. All of his friends and associates were jealous and he still cheated on me. I can't speak for every other woman who's been cheated on but it fucked with my head in an insidious way. My brain couldn't process it. Because, I was giving him everything he could possibly want or need. I never turned him down for sex. Ever. And what's worse, the women he cheated with were not attractive (ie: fugly). Nobody tells women that the cheating isn't a reflection on us. How many jokes have you heard about this? Remember Chris Rock's hilarious riff on the Lewinsky affair?

"See, this whole Monica Lewinsky scandal is Hillary's fault...'Cause, ladies, you know your man...You know what kind of man you got...You know if you got the crazy, 'need-a-blowjob-all-the-time man'... So Hillary Clinton put us all in danger...She put the security of the free world in jeopardy...That's right, she's the First Lady...She's supposed to be the first one on her knees to suck his dick!...Monica Lewinsky shouldn't have even stood a chance...Hillary's supposed to already be down there, like 'Hey, I've got it! I got the dick. Tickle his ass or something. Yeah, grab a ball, make yourself useful'."

Intern Skank/Presidential Cheater

I have no idea how much presidential dick Hillary was sucking. None of us do. I can only speak from experience when I say that I did my dick sucking best because I did know what kind of man I had. Seriously, there wasn't a drop left when he left the house. It didn't stop him though. Men cheat. It's the rule not the exception. Finishing my Chris Rock theme, he also said "A man is basically as faithful as his options." Unfortunately, I still spent years chasing the Holy Grail called "a faithful man." I grew up with parents who, while lacking in other areas, seemed utterly devoted to each other. My dad never went out with the guys. They went everywhere and did everything together. They are still together now. So this was the template on which I based the belief that there must be other faithful men out there. Now, I sometimes wonder if my dad did ever cheat. Although I don't know when it could have happened. ..maybe that's the secret. Don't give him any options. Don't let him out of your sight...hardly practical.

Now, Tiger's wife, Elin obviously didn't know what kind of man she had. I know we don't know for sure how that accident happened but I think most of us have a pretty good idea. Beautiful, genteel blond Swedish women aren't known for busting on people with golf clubs for the hell of it . At least Tiger had the class to cover for her. Can you imagine if this was Jon & Kate? That fat fuck would be crying to TMZ about the injuries she inflicted on him right now. I'm sure Tiger 's beyond mortified that this has become public fodder. Too bad he didn't have the class to not fuck around...or at the very least not fuck around with the typical fame whores dujour. And surely he had better options! He's Tiger Woods, y'all! You'd think he'd have access to better Hos...OR professionals. Although, apparently America is so fame obsessed now that the price of a high priced hooker doesn't include discretion anymore. You have to be specific. "I want a hooker with a side of Shut the Fuck up!"

I've heard speculation that Elin knew he was fucking around. That it's an unwritten understanding with these wives. In some cases that may be true. Which brings me to my experience as 'The Skank.' And let me say up front, I don't defend my actions at all. He was married. Had 2 kids. He was one of my bosses. Jimminy Cricket, how much more wrong can you go? But I fell in love with him. Now, his wife did know he was fucking around. He was a notorious cheater. I was supposedly the first affair that worried her because he wouldn't break it off after she figured out it was me. Not long after she put the pieces together (not rocket science), she came to visit the studio and we found each other alone in a ladies room together. I was taking my earrings off in the stall figuring I was in for a fight. But, not only did she not try to kill me...she engaged me in chit-chat...I felt like beating my own ass, a la Jim Carrey in "Liar Liar"!

Hilariously mispelled Payback

Whether you're famous or not, the fall out from something like this is gonna leave a mark. If Tiger Woods was just some guy, only his family and neighbors would be privvy to the drama. When I shot my gangster (calm down - flesh wound!) he lied to the emergency room doctors and said he'd been showing me how to clean the gun when it accidentally went off. They didn't call the cops and the only consequence was our marriage. Tiger's damage is still being tallied but it's going to take more than a pricey bauble to repair Elin's psyche.

And the skanks suffer too. Even if they're gold diggers, dick riders or fame whores. At the core of it, it still involves how they value themselves. And let's face it. While riding a famous dick might have some initial cash rewards - have you heard the new 50 Cent/Ne-Yo track 'Have a Baby by Me, Be a Millionaire"? and get you some tabloid face time - in the end you're still going to be The Skank.

Skank du jour

I know it's so much fun to read the dirt, repeat the jokes, make assumptions about Elin and what she was or wasn't doing to "deserve" this. But I keep thinking about how painful it is over there right now. How, for her, the holidays will be tainted for years to come.

I also keep thinking about what an incredible dolt Tiger Woods turns out to be. One of the skanks he took a beat down for wasted no time turning over his texts and voicemails to TMZ. The other is "negotiating a payout" Did Tiger really think they'd have his back?

Again, I can only draw from personal experience. Maybe I'm not fit to be among the ranks of skanks. Because when my affair ended - after 3 years - in the dawn of the Sexual Harrassment Age - I wrote and signed a letter stating that while I was involved in a workplace affair, there was no sexual harrassment involved. There were several other women (who I knew) at the studio who cashed in on their affairs with executives for 5 and 6 figure settlements but I knew it would be a lie...In retrospect, I could have used the cash...


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