Random Recent Favorite Headlines

Global Warming May Increase Kidney Stones!
Al Gore says "I told you so!"
















Dolly's Visit Leaves Danger Behind
Ms. Parton apologizes to Texas. Blames it on down home chili.













Rare Giant Panda Baby Boom!
Four cubs born. Two more and I can make a coat!














Liquid Found Flowing on Saturn's Moon
Too early to tell, but it looks like Velveeta!















...and in a related story...

Woman Sees Jesus in Cheetos
"I swear ya'll!" claims Britney.

































Christ on a cracker! This looks like a Cheeto Penis!


















OK, here's Cheeto Jesus. And just because I never saw it before, I've included Britney's last CD cover.



















I'm assuming it's "deluxe" because of the Cheeto offer? She looks pretty!

Happy Birthday Julian! Long Live the Julians!

Julian McMahon turns 40 today. I prefer "Nip/Tuck" Julian to "Fantastic 4" Julian. But any Julian is better than no Julian.

Just for fun, here are three other hot, foreign Julians!















Julian Ovenden. As far as I'm concerned the heir to the Hot Julian Throne. Most recently of "Cashmere Mafia" but hasn't been given the role that will showcase his true hotness yet. He sings, he dances, he can actually act. For some reason America keeps casting him in things where he must use an American accent. His true hotness comes through when he speaks normally. Let him speak, for God sake!










Julian Sands first came to my attention as a hot Julian in "Warlock". He has a long history of choosing risky projects but has also been in hot shows like "24". Coincidentally, HE was on the other chick show from last season, "Lipstick Jungle." Must be some sort of a Julian Rule in effect.



















Julian Morris, the new Julian on the block. He appears opposite Tom Cruise in the perhaps never to be released "Valkyrie" but you'll be able to experience his young hot Julian-ness soon on the new season of ER.

Update: If you care, Julian McMahon won the Julian poll. Julian Ovenden came in 2nd, Sands 3rd. There were several write ins for Julian Temple and one for Julian Lennon. Nobody know who Julian Morris was.

Honey, it could be worse!

You could be the 9 year old New Zealand girl who's parents named her TALULA DOES THE HULA FROM HAWAII. WTF? Poor thing was trying to get everyone to just call her "K" but you can image the fun she was having at school. It seems that New Zealanders have a penchant for giving their kids f***ed up names. Court clerks routinely counsel parents in an attempt to dissuade them from branding their offspring with unfortunate monikers. Some favs are:

Fish and Chips
Sex Fruit
Number 16 Bus Shelter
Violence

Somehow Talula's name got approved. Thank God somebody over there has some sense. A Family Court Judge stepped in and made her a ward of the court in order to facilitate changing her name. The judge's name is Judge Smiegel McPrecious!

A Jealous Bitch by any other name...

Have you heard the one about the obsessive news anchor who hacked into a co-workers email HUNDREDS of times in a two year period? If you haven't, take a second to answer this question before you read on: Was this hacker a man or a woman?

If you answered a woman, you'd be wrong. This incident happened in Philadelphia and the hack(er) in question is Larry Mendte, formerly of CBS affiliate KYW-TV. According to court documents, he somehow accessed Alycia Lane's email account 537 times between January and May alone! The motive, according to her attorneys, is jealousy over Alycia getting paid more money than Larry. Oh, I believe Larry's a jealous bitch alright. But this kind of ardently psychotic obsessive behavior isn't incited by money, honey. And old Larry didn't stop there. He leaked information from Alycia's private email accounts to a reporter and the resulting story got her fired! This is some 'Gossip Girl' shit!! The story that got leaked was about some bikini snaps that Alycia apparently sent to a married sportscaster, Rich Eisen, who's wife intercepted them and responded with a zippy little email of her own. If you're interested in that story just google Alycia's name. She also got arrested in NYC for punching out a plainclothes female cop (which kind of makes her my hero).


Meanwhile, back in bitch-ville, it's extremely creepy that Larry was so uber-obsessive about Alycia. My gut tells me that this kind of obsession comes from having tasted the nookie once and then being denied access ever again. Looking at Larry though, I can't really see Alycia ever giving him any. She is gorgeous and he is a shmendrick. Although, Eisen - who is described in reports as "handsome" - seems out of her league as well...there's never any accounting for taste. More likely that Larry began lusting after Alycia as they worked side by side, day in and day out. Patient in the beginning because just a smile or her hand brushing his while reaching for copy, was a thrill...but as the years passed and she never looked his way....whatever the case may be, Larry took it all to an icky new level. BTW, memo to Larry; I'd be careful if I were you. She punched out a NYPD cop.


Good Morning America piggy-backed off of this story to trundle out an old piece about email in the workplace and how your Orwellian boss is most likely checking out everything you write on line, including IMs and personal emails. IMing in the office is dangerous. What with all the cute little emoticons you can insert and the instant gratification of being able to bitch about your boss right under their noses...I was once IMing with a coworker about our completely moronic boss and typed "She's a maroon." Thank God I wrote maroon instead of moron because I accidentally sent the IM to HER! Seconds later she called out to me "What's a maroon?" Hey, I just call em like I see em.

So what have we learned today boys and girls? That a jealous bitch isn't necessarily a woman and that your boss better really be a moron....oh and, those Alycia Lane bikini pics aren't anywhere to be found on the internet.

Let's hear it for Stacey Dash!

How fantastic was she on CELEBRITY CIRCUS? Somebody needs to scoop her up into a fabulous TV series stat!

And while we're at it, the same goes for her husband Emmanuel Xuereb and his twin brother Salvatore. Talented, talented people.

BTW, congratulations Antonio Sabato Jr. on winning Celebrity Circus. I was really rooting for Stacey but if it had to be anyone else, I'm glad it was him...

The Slippery Slope of Hope

I want to steal a little something from Katt Williams right now and say to Barack Obama, let the haters do their thing. Get it out of your head, that fantasy where people aren't hating on you. Be grateful. We need haters. What do you think a hater's job is? That's what God put them on earth to do. Hate! In fact, if there are any haters reading this, hate me. I could use a few more.

Why must intellectual or pseudo-intellectual literati always overestimate themselves and ruin it for the rest of us? I mean, for fuck sake New Yorker magazine, what were you thinking?! Obviously, we as Americans can only hold others in admiration for so long and then our arms get tired. We just have to look at the celebrity gossip to see that no one goes unscathed. Like Heidi Klum says "You're either in or you're out!" But most of us have barely enjoyed being "in" before we're the fuck "out" again! How did we so quickly slide down the slippery slope of hope?!

I attended the democratic debate at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood. John Edwards had just dropped out of the race and it was down to Hillary and Obama. I was there as a credentialed journalist (!) to interview women about their relationship with power and consequently - Hillary. But Obama was the true draw. The real revelation of the event was the energy and the vibe of the place that day. In a crowd that size, with diversity of political opinion, race, sexual orientation, degrees of sanity, there was peace. And joy. And hope. It really felt like we were on to something. The crowds were excited and reverent. Much like I'd imagine they were when Jesus was among us, or Martin Luther King, or when Chriss Angel walked across a swimming pool in Vegas!

Wake up people!! We are fucking it up. We are fucking it up and will have no one to blame but ourselves. Well...I'll have you to blame but that's beside the point. Look, if we saved Tinkerbell, we can save Obama. If you believe, clap your hands, don't let Obama die. All of you, who believe we can be better, who believe we deserve THIS president, CLAP NOW. Or, well, you know...go VOTE on November 4. Vote for Obama. Dismiss this bullshit, wherever it comes from, whatever the reason for it. Believe what you believed in your hearts when you first heard him speak. Believe your own instincts. Believe we can be better.


Oh, and P.S. New Yorker, the cover would have been funnier if you had run it AFTER Obama won.

Move over Daddy, Mama's comin' home!

Back in the 70's, I had no idea what the feminist movement meant to me. I was vaguely aware of the whole bra burning thing. And Gloria Steinem. And The Feminine Mystique (In the book, Friedan hypothesizes that women are victims of a false belief system that requires them to find identity and meaning in their lives through their husbands and children). Frankly, in mine and most of my friends peripheral awareness - if we thought about it at all - we thought of the women involved as bitter man haters. And the bra burning was titillating (she said tit!) but puzzling. Speaking for myself, I couldn't wait to NEED a bra and going without one irritated my nubile new nipples. I get the symbolism now, sure. It seems it would have made more sense to burn corsets or girdles or support pantyhose! But I am SO appreciative that women before me fought for my right to be ignorant and apathetic. One look around the world shows us how far American women have come - because that shit happening to women in the Middle East and Asia and Africa was happening to ALL of us. They were setting us on fire y'all! On FIRE!

This is just a little aside, but while American and Britsh women have experienced 3 waves of feminism since the early 1900's, the French had something called 'French Feminism'. I'm not sure but I think that consists of women in tight black pencil skirts smoking filter-less Galois cigarettes and sneering "Fuck Vous!" at clueless men on the Champs Elysees.

It wasn't until I read Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth" that the enormity of what women have been dealt throughout history hit me. You know we used to rule the world, right? Go back about 13,000 years when matriarchal societies ruled the earth. The shift of power from women to men started in the neolithic period and of course we women saw the signs.

1. He became distant.
2. Worked late.
3. Came home with booze on his breath.
4. Suddenly found fault with everything we did.

But, we told ourselves we were being paranoid. Afterall, when we asked him, he said everything was fine. So, despite our big fat matriarchal intuition we kept quiet and did nothing until, beginning in 1900 BC, women woke the fuck up to find that they'd lost the right to choose a partner at will. They were traded by their fathers to their husbands and were subject to his lordship! Their children also became property of that lordship. It was a complete coup!

Now, according to Tolle, we are all spirit and ego and women are less ego driven (unless we're jlo) because we are less mind identified. We are more intuitive. It seems that EGO needed male dominance to flourish and grow. So the great scourge on women began. The sacred feminine was declared demonic and somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 to 5 million women were tortured and killed. Every culture and religion joined in. As we know, the oppression of women still exists in many parts of the world. What this tells me is that men were and are scared shitless of us!

It's widely believed, in certain circles, that the "Return of the Feminine" is in motion. Tolle talks about the increasing worldwide "awakening" that will serve to dissolve the collective ego. "New Age" and "Empowerment" thinking has been evolving since the 80's and is really exploding now. So, I think the big shift is going to happen on....December 21, 2012! And 13,000 years from now some guy is going to be blogging or telepathing about not really having been aware of the whole maleism movement and how he thought it was ridiculous to burn his jock strap when he had waited so long to get his very first one!

CHERNOBYL Charlie!

Here's a great Disney movie just waiting to be made. Chernobyl Charlie! The Radioactive Cat.

It's the story of an ordinary house cat, left behind when her family flees the Chernobyl disaster. 20 years later, Charlie has 3 adorable kittens(!) and still makes her home in the cottage abandoned by her humans. Nature has reclaimed the "zone" with beautiful flora and fauna. The wildlife population is flourishing. In fact, specifies formerly on the endangered list are proliferating! And nary a third eye, split tail or humpback to be seen. There were apparently a few minor mutations in the beginning: The red breasted swallows breasts, for example, turned temporarily white but have since gone back to their original red. Evidently, other swallows weren't buying the white breasted look and it was throwing a wrench in their reproductive cycle. So, nature corrected the mutation!

But back to Charlie! Charlie heads out every day to hunt for food while avoiding all manner of wild animals. Meanwhile her adventurous kittens get their first taste of terror when they venture into the yard and one of them is scooped up by an enormous snake eagle. How are they going to explain THAT when Charlie gets home? As winter approaches, a lone wolf enters the "zone" looking to start his own pack. What else are you gonna do when you're a young ambitious wolf and there's no room for growth in your family?? This is bad news for Charlie and her kittens. I guess she's not willing to become the wolf's bitch; deciding instead to leave the only home she's ever known.

What makes all of this extraordinary is that IT'S TRUE. The Chernobyl zone has become a sanctuary for all manner of wildlife and plantlife. While everything is still supposed to be contaminated and unfit for human habitation, nature seems to be flourishing there. I wonder how long it will take before the first human squatters decide to brave it. What with real estate being so valuable and all. Meanwhile, back to Charlie! For the Disney version, I'd opt for Charlie and the lone wolf to fall in love despite their differences and rule benevolently over the "zone" for another 20 years. BTW, it does seem odd that if Charlie was born in that cottage and 20 years later is STILL having kittens. Perhaps radioactivity is the fountain of youth?

In reality, Charlie gathers her remaining kittens and strikes out into the forest, looking for a safe new home. Along the way, she teaches her little darlings how to hunt for their own food...and hide from Snake Eagles.
After several misfires, she settles her kittens in an abandoned tug boat. Apparently, she's now over the whole 'mom' thing and bids them adieu.
When last we see Charlie, she has crossed the "zone" border and discovers a farm, not unlike the one she left behind. However, this farm is inhabited and Charlie is taken in by the farmer to begin her new (9th?) life. So, let me get this straight. She leaves her kittens behind in a cold, rusty abandoned tug boat while she nestles into a nice warm place by the hearth of the unsuspecting farmer.

She's kinda Young, kinda Now! Charlie!
Kinda Free, kinda Wow! Charlie!
There's a cat and she's here to stay, and they call her
Chernobyl Charlie!

FYI - All of this Chernobyl information bodes well for whatever transmutation the world continues in after 2012...but that's another blog.