Where the f*** are all the Zombies?

I'm going to miss the mind that spawned these ideas...and who, along with the likes of Richard Pryor, indoctrinated me as to the beauty and eloquence of the word FUCK.


"Be proud, be white, be lame and get the fuck off the dance floor!"

"I have a friend who 'happens' to be black. Like it's a fucking accident"

"And Zombies. Where the fuck are all the zombies? That's the trouble with zombies. They're unreliable!"

"No one should ever have any object placed up their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo"

"Whatever happened to natural selection? Survival of the fittest... Nature knows best. We're saving entirely too many lives in this country...Nature should be allowed to do it's job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people without interference from airbags and batting helmets."

"If I had a singles bar, I'd call it Nipples n Dicks. Truth in advertising. The Sperm Club, Snatch-o-rama. The Crotcheteria, Franky's Fuckery!"

"JFK's administration was called Camelot. It really should have been called Cumalot. Cuz that's what he did. He came A LOT! Clinton's looking for a legacy, so his should be called Cum-a-little cuz that's what he did; he came a little on the dress, a little on the desk, not a whole lot really. He was no match for Kennedy in the pussy department. Kennedy aimed high; Marilyn Monroe...Clinton showed his dick to a government clerk."


"Hey, where's your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance will you! - George Carlin

It was a good day. I didn't need my AK.

OK. You know you've got too much time on your hands when you are dining on a Lean Cuisine Chicken Club Panini and Moet at noon on a Thursday in your pajamas. When you tell yourself it's alright to have champagne because if you don't finish the bottle it'll go flat. So, it's wasteful, right? It's kinda naughty too. All that's missing now is the ecstacy and amyl nitrate poppers.... but that would be over the top for a Thursday at noon.


A peek at my dvr recordings is also a good indicator that I'm currently not working. Magnum P.I. reruns everyday. The vast backlog of Family Guy that I just discovered, "Are We Done Yet?" the frothy sequel to "Are We There Yet?". BTW, Nia Long wears some fierce white Uggs in the movie that I've never seen anywhere. That was the best thing about the movie. I love Ice Cube and all, but dude! Where are those fucking Boyz from the Hood when you need them? They could have been out joy riding in the country and come upon Cube and Nia's isolated country house and pulled a home invasion (dibs on the Uggs) and then Cube could have gone back to his old ways and gotten the AK out of it's hiding place and fucked them all up....oh well. OR, his old buddy Smokey could drop by for a weekend and get Nia's bad ass kids high. Bottom line, it's no "Money Pit".

Speaking of Chris Tucker. I had the best accidental encounter with anybody ever - with him. I was house sitting for a has been film director who obviously invested well. The phone rings on line 4. No one ever called on line 4. "Hello?" "Yeah, lemme speak to Q". I recognize the voice instantly. "Er, you have the wrong number..." For real? I dialed *******. That's the number they gave me." "Sorry, this is *******" "Oh man, for real? I'm sorry. This is Chris Tucker. I was trying to call Quincy Jones." "I know this is Chris Tucker, I recognized your voice" "For real? People out here still know who I am?" "Hell yes!" So we say our good-byes and hang up. A minute later line 4 rings again. "Hello" "Hi, this is Chris Tucker again." He just couldn't get over the fact that, I, some random white lady, knew who he was. We ended up talking for 40 minutes and I pitched him a movie! What a great story this would have made on the press junket. Alas it wasn't to be...but at least it can live on here. It's still a great movie idea but he may be too old for it now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fear and the Art of the Mass Email Forward

Early this morning, there was some idiot construction worker on the street in front of my building WHISTLING like he's rounding up lil doggies. Seriously, I had to get up out of bed to look out the window - just in case the great North American Cattle Drive was making it's way down my street. Instead, there was just a guy in a yellow hard hat whistling at cranes and a cement mixer! Thankfully, I think they're all safely in their corral now.

Next up, turn on the computer to read latest emails. And I found this little nugget:

"I am NOT the only one who feels "uneasy" about what all is taking place on our soil -n- abroad... not to mention what's coming "at us" around that blind curve. Buckle Up, it is going to be a rough ride.."

Now, granted, this is an email from a woman I have purchased mosaic tile from in the past. She lives somewhere in Vermont or Rhode Island and her mass forwards are usually...who am I kidding. I usually never read them. BUT, I assumed (because she sells mosaic tile??) that she was a peaceful, crunchy granola, lesbian granny. Let's continue...

"I thought you'd find this interesting if you haven't gotten it already. It is interesting I am getting these from people I would not expect, which I take to mean there is a lot of unrest out there just waiting to break free. I thank the person who made a list of these incidents-it really makes it SO obvious where the problem lies! But we have become such a wimpy country in so many ways... Maybe internet unrest will create the change we need this year. If not, I fear for the future. "


Yeah, internet unrest. That's the ticket! Read on...

" I STRONGLY URGE each one of you to repost this as many times as you can! Each opportunity that you have to send it to a friend or media outlet...do it! A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they imagine that America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to themselves. Pause a moment, reflect back. These events are actual events from history. They really happened!!! Do you remember?
1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40.
2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40
4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40. 7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens , and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
8. In 1988 , Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya an d Tanzania were bombed by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take down the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by Muslim male extremists between the of 17 and 40.
12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by-- you guessed it-- Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
No, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people...Absolutely No Profiling! They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling."

Yikes! BTW, I believe the target demographic of Muslim extremists IS male, between the ages of 17 and 40. Their mothers won't allow them to be out past 10PM before they're 17 and they usually explode before turning 40. But I digress...

"According to The Book of Revelations: The Anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal....the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, he will destroy everything. And Now: For the award winning Act of Stupidity of all times the People of America want to elect, to the most Powerful position on the face of the Planet --The Presidency of the United states of America A Muslim-Male Extremist-Between the ages of 17 and 40. Have the American People completely lost their Minds, or just their Power of Reason ??? I'm sorry but I refuse to take a chance on the 'unknown' candidate - Obama... Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other stupid attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel ashamed of themselves -- if they have any such sense. As the writer of the award winning story 'Forrest Gump' so aptly put it, 'Stupid Is As Stupid Does.' -"

What the????? I thought Britney was the Antichrist! Evidently the American people, or at least the ones passing this trash around HAVE lost their minds. What's scary about this is that it's getting passed around by seemingly nice, normal folks. Grandmothers for God sake! It's such an obvious right wing ploy too. Well, why wouldn't they keep pushing the fear button? It keeps working!! Fear and apparently the Nigerian email scam works every time! (Oh, and let's not leave out the UK Lottery email scam. If you didn't enter the UK lottery, you CAN'T possibly have won!) I guess that's the crux right there. With so many gullible people it's child's play to manipulate the masses into emailing themselves into another 4 years of shit.

Finally, I love the use of the Forrest Gump quote which so deliciously turns itself on the very participants of this ridiculous smear campaign. Stupid really IS as Stupid does!

...then why did you wink at me?

Good Lord! It's humbling to find that every freaking idea you've come up with has also been had by multitudes of others. In between screenplays but still feeling the urge to write, I thought "why not succumb to blogging" It's taken me three days to come up with a TITLE for the blog. 3 DAYS!!! Because every single one I wanted is already being used by someone else! That includes the name of my one woman show, my website AND my fledgling LLC. Thus I reached all the way back to my high school years to come up with a title that I could still feel clever and happy about.
Throughout high school I was deeply immersed in Theater or "Drama" as the class was called. And consequently, boy was it filled with drama. We were a very insular group who rarely socialized with anyone outside of the classes. Members of "Band" were occasionally tolerated. Like the cousin who smells like milk that you only see at holidays. At some point during those four glorious, dramatic years we developed an elaborate version of the parlor game MURDER. If you're not familiar, here's how the game works: Everyone chooses a card from a playing deck. The one who pulls the JOKER card is the murderer. The object is to avoid being murdered while trying to figure out who the murderer is. If the murderer winks at you, you're dead. In our version, figuring out who the murderer was became secondary to setting up elaborate murder scenes for the others to happen upon in awe. Many parents wondered where the hell all of the ketchup kept disappearing to!

Anyway...Having said all of that to say...during one particularly fevered game, an overeager player staged their murder based on a perceived wink from another player who was neither the murderer nor apparently winking. And the often used bon mot was born. If you think about it, it can be applied to almost any situation of misunderstanding. And it still always makes me smile!