Female Driven movies don't sell...oh wait, they DO!

Is there anything new or groundbreaking about "OBSESSED"? The Beyonce starrer that opened at an obviously unexpected #1 this weekend? Besides Idris Elba and his fine self? No. It's a "Fatal Attraction" retread - and not a fresh one. I guess the big twist is "Oh, we'll make the couple black and the ho white!" Apparently the box office was driven primarily (58%) by women, of which half were 25 or under. Now, that is most likely due to Ms. Knowles (or Mrs. Carter). And who were the other 42%?

Would the movie have done as well on a bigger weekend? With different stars? Better story? Who knows? All I know is - I wish "Hollywood" would make up it's mind about...well, anything but specifically about female driven projects. Television (cable or otherwise) is the current domain of female driven projects. Just about every network has at least one successful skein with a female protagonist.

I have a theory about that. Having just had this conversation last week with my manager (who I love =)) about the new script I delivered. An erotic thriller with a female protagonist entitled "151". It's 'R' rated - for language, sex and violence. Think Joe Eszterhas in his prime...think "Basic Instinct", "The Jagged Edge", "Body Heat", "The Last Seduction." My manager's first suggestion was "Let's take it to Lifetime." .....cricket, cricket, cricket....hello, is this thing on? Don't get me wrong. I'd LOVE to sell something to Lifetime! I'd love to sell something to anyone! But the reasoning behind the logic went like this..."The Women" was terrible and it tanked."

Now, "The Women" was a much ballyhoed project around town for many years. Almost every 'A' list actress was attached to it at one time or another. When the "Sex and the City" movie came out and killed - all of Hollywood went bananas - shocked! shocked, I say that the movie based on the wildly successful and enduringly popular series was doing such gangbuster business. And assuming that we women are out here waiting for just any bullshit movie with a Vajayjay. Obviously, that's not true. Because nobody had an appetite for "The Women" - it wasn't able to draft behind SATC's success. It tanked....with all of our female driven hopes and dreams tied to it???????

I think women, just like men - all being human - are attracted to good escapist fare. Give us an underdog who comes out on top, a person in peril who kicks ass, a misunderstood superhero (or villian for that matter), a story we can relate to and an outcome we can cheer for and we're happy. And these days, with the "all too real" doom and gloom the media is feeding us 24/7, we need that escapist fare even more. And if there's hot sex, cool subcultures, exotic locales and a feel good ass kicking involved - Yahoo! Why should Lifetime have all the fun? I'm just sayin'...

By the way, Idris Elba is a fine Mother F**cker! Loved him since "The Wire" and his turns on "The Office" and "RockNRolla" have deepened that love. I even tried to watch something awful called "The Unborn" because he was in it. Unfortunately he wasn't in the first 15 minutes and I bailed. He also deejays under the name "Big Driis the Londoner" and has produced music with JayZ! He brings it. He is a man; capitol M-A-N, Man! So thrilled to see his career is on FIRE!

Dear Somali Pirates, please accept my application for review...

Now that you are stepping up your piracy efforts and coming into contact with world leaders, you need to do something about your image. The first thing that comes to mind is....well, you need a Queen. A Pirate Queen. I feel I am uniquely qualified for this position for a number of reasons. Please peruse my resume below:

I have flaming red hair. The most famed Queen of the Pirates - Grace O'Malley had red hair. Red hair is mandatory.

I am of statuesque voluptuous build. And don't put me in a corset because men will weep.

I have been married to an OG - which, in urban parlance means a bad mother fucker. I was his partner in all things. A Ruff Rida. Bonnie to his Clyde but in a much more pimpin way. I did whatever necessary to further our empire.


I have been involved in violent incidents, including but not limited to stabbings, shootings, beat downs. These things do not make me lose my presence of mind. Also, as your 'front woman', so to speak - they'll be much less likely to shoot at me.

I have a problem with authority which makes me immediately resistant to any of the normal channels of "negotiating" - An added plus here is that I have no fear of Hillary Clinton. Someone you should watch out for - in or out of international waters.

I have led film crews - consisting mostly of rough men with labor union backgrounds - into a daily battle we call "making the day" and been victorious. And this, despite often having to contend with a captain too drunk or enraged with his own sad state as a man.

I am a white woman of a certain age - with the grace and guile that this entails. This means I can reconnoiter and decoy in places where - frankly, you'll stick out like a third world sore thumb.

I have maternal instincts and am quite obsessive about the state of my immediate surroundings. This means that YOUR immediate surroundings will improve dramatically. People will bathe, keep their bunks tidy, laundry will be done, meals will be healthier and tastier. The liquor will be top shelf.

I am willing to pleasure some of you sexually, but this will be at my sole discretion and based on how you appeal to me esthetically. Smell is verrrry important.

All in all, you would do well to consider this offer before another pirate outfit does. What I require in return for being your Queen, is private quarters, 30% of all plunder, access to modern transportation and final deciding vote on all proposed pirate endeavors. The contract shall be for one year with two renewal options.

Thanks for your consideration and I look forward to discussing the possibilities in the near future.

P.S. - This shit right here, pirate? This shit right here ain't never gonna happen. So forget about it.

Sincerely, M

In case we needed further evidence that times are indeed tough...even God has his hand out.

Yes, and he appears to be reaching for an intergalactic hot pocket. What amazes me, is that despite the constant, non stop barrage of news and media blaring from every audio, visual, tactile orifice that we are going to hell in a hand basket...America hasn't begun to change the way it does business. Don't get me wrong. Not everyone is covering their ears and singing LALALALALA. Fast food chains have stepped up and offered their already well priced, fattening, artery clogging menus for even less. Value meals, 99¢ menus. Thank God! Because without them we couldn't look like this...

As we all know...throughout history, fatness was a sign of wealth. Well then DAMN, what the fuck are we worried about America? It's well known that we are the fattest nation....so I call foul on this whole "economic downturn - recession - depression" wolf crying. Let us take our pounds of flesh and pay our mortgages, car notes, utility bills, school tuition. Hell, splurge....use that abdominal flap for nice vaca in the Bahamas!

On a completely different note....Oh Snap! In a shocking break with protocol, our new buff armed first lady, Michelle Obama TOUCHED the Queen of England. WTF? Has the giddiness of the past 3 months gone to her head? I know most people think the Monarchy is obsolete but I gotta tell you - if I had been prepared for the throne since birth and been QUEEN for most of my life, I would demand the respect that should come with that. She has made personal sacrifices that none of us would accept. Do you think she wanted to stay married to Prince Phillip? Do you think she wanted to have to sit across from those twits her sons married? Do you think she had Diana whacked? Watch your back Michelle Obama is all I've got to say.

And finally, This is my new dream. To own a drive in Liquor Lounge with local alkie deer as customers. They can really put away the Peppermint Schnapps!