If I need to be up and out early, I listen to Mark & Brian on KLOS while I'm getting ready and driving. They often act as a defacto clearing house for listeners who want to find dates, so it wasn't out of the ordinary when this gentleman called in today. He described himself as a disabled vet, 60, tall, white hair and long white beard. So far, not bad right? If you're looking for that...although I was really curious as to what his disability was. Then he said he'd lost his house three years ago and has been "bouncing around from place to place" ever since. They asked him what happened with the last place he was at. "Let's not get into that here" was his red flagging answer. OK, so basically an old homeless dude with Santa hair...do go on! They asked him if he has a job and he replied that he has an ebay store. OK, good....but wait...they asked if that was doing well for him (um, hellooo...homeless) and he said "it was pretty good while I had an internet connection.
Now for the good part. They asked this homeless, jobless, nebulously disabled vet what he was looking for in a woman...here's his check list:
Between 5'5" and 5'8" tall
"A nice rack" and good looking
Preferably blonde and blue eyed
Trim and fit - "No fatties"
Knows how to take care of her man
Has her own home and makes a good living
Likes to party with elves (kidding)
I prayed that no women would actually call in. I prayed hard. Please God, don't let some stupid woman call in and offer to take this deluded kook in. Thankfully, my prayer was answered...at least for today. They usually do follow ups on these date situations so I hope my head doesn't have to explode on Monday when they play the dating game with Santa and the clueless potential Mrs. Clauses. Reindeer not included.