I am the Michael Jordan of the unemployed. It's now been 3 1/2 months since I returned from working in New York. So far, I've made it through the holidays, the collapse of the modern world's financial infrastructure, the ongoing SAG work stoppage/hostage situation, Valentine's Day and the Oscars without receiving a dime of my hard earned unemployment compensation.
I've learned 52 ways to prepare oatmeal to resemble other, more appetizing food stuffs. I've learned how to color my own hair, trim my own bangs, that a solution of 1 part vinegar and 2 parts water cleans my laminate floors the best. I DIY manicures, pedicures, teeth whitening, pilates, chiropractic and therapy. It may be time to take on home horticulture...if you know what I mean. The only thing I'm not doing is bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan.
Oh, it's only a matter of time, I know. Meanwhile, I ponder morality issues like - If I catch the repo man hooking up my car, do I offer him a blow job or...
...do I adopt the Sigourney Weaver from ALIENS - "Get away from her you BITCH!" stance?
...actually, Tony Montana is more me. "Say hello to my little friend!"Frankly, my blow jobs are worth way more than what I owe. And, by the way....ew. Sigh. I was never the sexual bartering type. That happens when you're used to being begged for it. Now, where did it get me? But I digress.
Here's more useless information I've amassed while hanging. CSI-Miami is the shit. While I was incubating the plague last week, my TV was stuck on A&E and I didn't have the will to find the remote. So I watched the marathon. It's well crafted. They have a distinct color palette for the show that's very Miami...all sherbet pastels and color saturated. The stories - taken from real CSI files I assume - are cool. Each character has their "thing" and I like them all. Especially the delish Khandi Alexander.
And I have to believe that David Caruso is in on the joke with those corny one-liners he delivers at least once during each episode. Like "You know what they say, 'You lie down with the Devil, you wake up in Hell". He's still the bad ass he promised to be back on NYPD Blue. He took his knocks, got pissed on by Hollywood for a while, found his way back and is doing what he's good at. That's all any of us can hope for, right?
Redemption seems to be a theme in 2009 so far. America, Mickey Rourke...well America hasn't been redeemed yet. There's still some Golden Shower action in the old USA's future before we can be considered "redeemed." Sean Penn acknowledged his own duplicity in his prickly relationship with success and acceptance in the Hollywood community. He worked hard for that Oscar. Mickey Rourke did too. Even though he didn't end up with it, he was a contender to the wire. And a great come back tale for all of us out here wondering if we have a 2nd act or a 3rd....Meanwhile, I've perfected the art of hang time. Now, just wait and see what I bust out with at the next game buzzer.
P.S. - Below is a little "barter system chart" left over from the last depression. Pay special attention to the man with the sheep...
