On the 5th day of Christmas...

The Universe gave to me...

RAIN.

My love for rain is legendary and some may say excessive and unnatural. But anytime the air is 100% moisture filled we are all going to look our best. My skin is plumped up naturally and takes on a dewy glow. The very atmosphere is changed and air smells clean and full of promise. How can you not love that?

Holding out for a Hero

I just started reading "Wicked Lovely" by Melissa Marr. A story about "Faery intrigue, mortal love and the clash of ancient rules and modern expectations". And of course the girl has a friend who is a rogue, a man who lives on the outside of society but who is fiercely loyal and protective of her. A man, who although a player, is sweet and sensitive and so perceptively tuned in to her that he and only he can penetrate her inscrutability and help her with her tortured secret. This is the why we women adore these stories. It's why the Twilight series (in all it's maudlin longing) and probobly every romance novel ever written are so popular with women. Because we all want that man. We all want that sense of having rare and cherished access to a creature considered either dangerous or unattainable by all others. And the feeling that we get when such a creature shelters us in his arms. We want Heathcliff, we want Edward (well I don't), we want Rhett, Sawyer...we want to hear "Stay alive whatever the cost, I will find you!" or "I have crossed oceans of time to find you".

I was compelled to write this in the middle of my reading the first chapter because a deep sadness overcame me and I needed to explore why. I have been fortunate or unfortunate enough (depends who you ask) to have experienced this sort of grand romance. It's what's spoiled me for all others. It's why I know that Plenty of Fish or any other dating site isn't going to work for me. Because even now, with the wisdom of past experience, I'd still rather take all the bad that comes with this kind of good than settle for hum drum. And make no mistake about it, most men are hum drum to me. And I tried hum drum, even married hum drum once. His hum drum-ness didn't grow on me, it grew into contempt. I didn't just want to divorce him...I wanted to kill him.

Bonnie Tyler said it best

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light
He's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Sigh.

When a Man loves a Woman

I was driving home last night and "When a Man loves a Woman" came on the radio. My knee jerk reaction was to change it. Why? Because that song is strongly connected to a past relationship that did me more harm then good and who wants to be reminded of that? The irony of this is that the song is also connected to one of the most romantic moments of my life...within that same relationship. So, I've been denying myself the sweet memory of that moment for years in order to avoid the bitter. No more. I allowed myself to listen and feel the moment again.

While at Fox I got involved with a married executive in my department. My first and last married man. Our attraction was immediate...in fact the first time we saw each other, it really was the thunderbolt. We carried on in secret, for three years...break ups and make ups on a grand scale. Of course our entire department knew...you can't hide relationships from people that you spend up to 80 hours a week with...and like a family, everyone protected that secret. And as with every illicit affair, I suffered emotionally from being in love with someone that would never fully be mine. Cut to the studio Christmas party. These were lavish, evening affairs (no pun intended) held on a sound stage with sets from one of the studio's big movie's out that year. In 1990, it was Edward Scissorhands. A bacchanalia of gourmet food and excellent liquor, a 20 piece band to dance the night away to and...no spouses or outside guests. Do you think there was A LOT of cheating going on?

While the band was taking a break, a DJ started spinning records. Now, even though our affair was unacknowledged common knowledge, we were still always very discreet in public...so when the song began to play, I had no idea what was about to happen. He took my hand and led me onto the dance floor and held me close and we danced...in front of the entire studio...in front of our bosses and our colleagues...and he sang the words softly into my ear. It was a fairytale moment, a movie moment, a romance novel moment...but also an honest moment. I closed my eyes and as Percy Sledge sang, there was no one else on earth...we were floating on air.

So last night, in my car, on the 101 fwy...I had a breakthrough. I was able to listen to the song and enjoy that memory and honor it for what it was...one perfect, magical moment of true love. I was able to put aside whatever else I might think or feel about that person or the relationship as a whole. And the great thing about having memories like that to draw upon...is that it rekindles our belief in love.