Michael? Is that you????

Alright! I was so close to a clean get away. I was going to get through the entire "Michael Jackson (This is It!) Death Tour 2009" without getting involved. But hearing Mary Hart (those legs aren't still worth $1 million!) speculating last week on whether "Usher touched an empty casket during the memorial performance" made me have diarrhea of the blog. So here goes.

• His death was shocking but not surprising.

• He was a handsome young black man before he started turning into; first Diana Ross and then a creepy looking old white lady.

• It's quite likely that the widely spread "insider" rumor that he was given drugs to prevent him from going through full blown puberty - and losing the timbre of his multi platinum voice - was true. And would explain so much of his ensuing behavior. It's also quite likely that his dad authorized it.

• He was surrounded by people who were in it for the money and enabled him ruthlessly and shamelessly.

• My daughter once said "Look! There's that girl Michael Jackson!" She was five.
  

• I saw him fondle a child actor in a production van on the Fox lot.

• He wouldn't have fucked Debbie Rowe with your dick. She carried his embryos for cash and because it enabled her to pretend that someone wanted to fuck her.

• His kids looked a lot whiter when they were younger. Children of the Corn white. Prince had white blond hair. So either they've been getting spray tanned or they actually are bi-racial and it's just now starting to show.

• He had an obsession with Prince (the one and only) and named not one but both of his sons Prince. The two were often compared and Michael felt threatened by the Purple one. He once famously got down on his knees in the aisle of a jet and made fun of his rival's stature.
  

• Paris Jackson already looks like she could kick Paris Hilton's ass.

• He had terrible taste in art and furniture...and fashion. Terrible. I'm not sure but I think I'd feel better about being $400 million in debt if the stuff I bought didn't suck.

• Here's a better, "faked death" theory than the boring "Michael faked his death to get out of his debts" version on the Internets. I'll call this theory the "Siegfried & Roy theory" and here's why; Long before Montecore dragged Roy's ass off stage at the Mirage, there was a rumor that the original Roy had had AIDS and that he and Siegfried found a young man who resembled Roy physically and employed him to become Roy's doppelganger in anticipation of his death. He had multiple plastic surgeries and lived at their compound, becoming familiar with and to the animals. This way the show could go on and after all, that's what it's all about, right? Anyway Vegas "insiders" believe that Montecore picked his moment to "out" the fake Roy - fittingly on stage. And this relates to Michael how??? Well, when I first got texted the news of his death, I went on Google immediately, just like you. At that time the news agencies were still reporting it as a heart attack. But a archive story from 2005 about a corpse being found buried on Neverland property popped up - published by The Onion - it's a hilarious spoof but wouldn't it be comforting in some way if this were true? That would mean that this Michael Jackson impostor was responsible for all of the bad behavior. And it also makes sense that the money grubbing coterie surrounding him, needed to keep him alive to ensure the gravy train didn't come to a screeching halt. That's why the music was sucking, that's why someone - who's name rhymes with Moe - also knew the jig would be up if this concert tour had gone forward. Because fake Michael couldn't bring it. It would have been like Milli Vanilli on crack. Unfortunately Bubbles had already been retired and couldn't pull a Montecore and attack MJ as only a freakishly strong chimp could. Maybe have grabbed Michael's rumored prosthetic nose and swallowed it or broken off one of his brittle arms and beat him with it. Bubbles knows the truth!

Finally, here are a couple of absolutely true tidbits from back stage at the memorial last week;

• While all of the other celebs who performed came camera ready, Mariah Carey showed up with her entourage and demanded all attention be paid to her - causing the glam squad on duty to have to stop spackling LaToya...you know that's a thankless gig...and work their magic on Mariah in time for her cue.
  

• Janet was to have been the last to eulogize Michael at the memorial but Michael's daughter, Paris, spoke up and insisted she wanted to do it instead. It was poignant and brave but I gotta say, a part of me...the jaded, black hearted, Hollywood part of me can't help but wonder if she's already playing us.

I have learned things about friends these past few weeks. That some of them were/are Jackson super fans. People I never would have suspected. That's because Michael's earlier music is woven into the "fabric of our lives." We have strong, in some cases, visceral emotional connections to it. And that's why some of you took his death so hard. It wasn't just him dying, but your own Peter Pan memories too. But we'll always have the music and the memories...and we'll always have Paris. Miss Jackson if you're nasty!

I found this link today. Eternalmoonwalk.com It's the first truly pure tribute to the man and I want to share it with friends and fans alike. I think the real Michael would have loved it.